It was a beautiful spring morning back in April of 2001. I had just finished training for a local banking company and was due to go into work for my first day at a new branch. My desire was to continue to be a stay at home mom but our new house and my husbands income was not enough. He was not willing to get a second job, so I decided to get a part time job and dancing again was not an option at this point. My husband (now divorced) was working second shift at a local machine shop.
Unfortunately he decided this one particular evening in April to not come home all night. He stayed out drinking and doing drugs instead of coming home. This of course was not the first time this had occurred. There were many times we would argue over this issue. With his past of infidelity it made it especially hard on me. I would always have to tell the children that daddy was at work when he was really out partying.
I had to be to work this particular April day but when it came time for me to leave for work he was nowhere to be found. At that time I had my nine year old daughter, my almost four year old son and my four month old daughter home with me so I could not leave until he decided to come home. It was my first day at the new branch, I had to call and tell them that I was behind schedule and that I would be in as soon as I could.
He finally showed up and I darted off to work as to not get fired on my first day. Not only was I nervous about starting a new job and meeting new people, I was now worried that I was late and very upset at my husband for, once again, not coming home all night.
Everything went okay at work that day. They did not say anything yet I did explain to them why I was late. I was embarrassed and humiliated that I had to talk to them about my personal issues on my first day. I could only imagine what they were thinking. I worked my half day and proceeded to drive home. I was livid at this point having been lied to by my husband then having to explain to my boss what my situation was. I was anxious to get home and hear his explanation as to his whereabouts the previous evening.
I pulled into the driveway and walked into the house. My nine year old was at school, my four month old was laying on the living room floor with her father sleeping. My husband had been up all night drinking using drugs and God only knows what else and now he is sleeping when he is supposed to be caring for our children. Now I was even more furious. The house was dark, all the blinds were still down and it is one o'clock in the afternoon. I was so angry at him! Now at this point I am wondering where my 31/2 year old son is. Jacob was not in my sight and my husband and daughter lay sleeping on the living room floor. I thought to myself where is Jacob, maybe he is in his room sleeping and why is Ken not watching him.
I proceeded to go into the bedroom and pulled up the blinds to get some light on the room in order to wake up my husband. I was so upset by this point. I looked out the window and stared out to the alley that ran next to our house. What I saw next was something that my mind could not comprehend. I saw my sons little
Buzz Lightyear shoes underneath a van. I thought to myself...that's weird...why are Jacobs shoes underneath that van in the alley. Then I saw my neighbor as white as a ghost running towards the far side of the van where I could not see. That is when I realized what had occurred. Jacob was struck by the van.
I screamed and went running frantically through the house to get to the back door which led to the alley. I was screaming for my husband to wake up. Screaming Jacobs been hit, Oh my God, wake up, Jacobs been hit! After seeing my neighbors face as white as a ghost I did not know what to expect. I was scared to run around to the other side of the van, fearful of the condition Jacob was in. Was he alive? Oh my God. I cannot describe in words or without tears thinking how afraid I was that he may possibly be dead.
I ran around the van and my neighbors were kneeling down looking under the van. I was terrified. I knelt down to look under the van and there was Jacob covered in blood from head to toe. My heart felt as if it stopped from fear. Jacob looked at me and was crawling out from underneath the van toward me. Thank you God he is alive. He is alive. I took him and laid him down next to the van not knowing how he was injured. I told Ken not to move him because he may have back or neck injuries, he disregarded my advice and picked him up and placed him inside our van lying him down to try to assess him. I ran into the house and dialed 911. I was so frantic that the operator could not understand me so I had to pull myself together in order to get the help he needed.
I calmed down and told the operator that my son was hit by a van. Help was on it's way. I called my mother to tell her what was going on and to see if she could help with my baby and to get my 9 year old from school. I ran back out, as I pulled my emotions together, to be by Jacobs side. The ambulance arrived, my husband jumped in with him, and Jacob was shuttled off to the hospital. I arrived shortly after he did.
We all stood in a circle and the hospital Chaplain prayed for mercy over him. I felt uncomfortable because we were not used to praying but at that moment I was praying too for his life. I waited to hear how he was and to see him. The doctor finally came out and told me that after all the test that the blood from head to toe was from road rash from rolling between the two front tires of the van to the center of the vehicle. He ended up with scrapes, bruises and a hairline fracture on his ankle. He was going to be okay. There was no internal injuries. I thanked God and cried to myself in relief.
My son is turning 17 years old this year. For years this incident had played over and over in my mind. The blood, the look in his eyes when he crawled to me from underneath that van, not knowing if he was alive or dead in those few moments of a mothers pure panic haunted me. The anger towards my now ex-husband for being so irresponsible that beautiful spring day back in April of 2001 was building and building. I never told anyone what my husband had done that lead up to my sons accident that day in fear of his actions reflecting on me. For years I have been holding his secret. I am not holding onto his secret anymore. It is time that everyone knows the truth about why Jacob got hit that day.
If he would have been watching Jacob like he was supposed to, he would not have been across the alley that day. Jacob told me that he was playing and saw me come home from my new job at the bank, he was so excited that I was home that he ran across the alley to come see me and give me a hug and kiss. He didn't make it that afternoon because his dad was not watching him. He chose to stay gone again all night the night before, the consequence for his decision that night trickled down to his own son almost being killed that beautiful spring day back in 2001.
The message for you Ken is that I forgive you. Jacob was covered by
the blood of Jesus that day. This is your consequence that you have to
forgive yourself for. It is not my secret to carry anymore, I am giving
it back to you. Carry your own cross.
Jacob, I love you more than you could ever know. As far as that hug and
kiss that you ran across that alley for, know that I am here for you
always. Your my little bear and I thank God you are alive every day. I
love you my son and am so proud of who you have become, an amazing young
man.
Pamela Renee Schneider
In my adolescent years is when the behaviors I had seen and read developed into action. I look back and realize that most of what I called boys were actually men that wanted to "date" me. I put date in quotations because as I reflect they did not want to date me at all they wanted only sex from me. With my disturbed view of what a relationship was they got what they wanted most of the time. While they wanted sex I was wanting the night in shining armor that I read about in the combination of fairytale children's books and adult pornographic romance novels. These "boys" did not want to "date" me, I was their prey.
