Ground to Empty

I was sitting with my friend in her living room and we started discussing my past. I mentioned to her that I had danced for five years and she said that she couldn't ever see me as a stripper. I told her that of all the jobs I have had over the years I really excelled as an exotic dancer. I was good at it but unfortunately now there is a five year gap in my resume'. I wasn't at all talented in the beginning but over time I got better. Desperate for money I became Passionate Peyton, the top money maker on day shift for an all nude club I worked for in Oregon, Ohio. I was also top money maker at a go-go bar called Papa's Pole Paradise in Whitehouse, Ohio where I ended my dancing career when I almost received an undeserving prostitution charge. I began at DejaVu with the stage name Lily in Toledo and then moved over to Scarlet's Cabaret also in Toledo where I changed my name to Peyton. By then I was no longer a delicate flower and felt undeserving of such a beautiful name. I danced in a club on the East side of Toledo all the way up to two clubs in Detroit. Once upon a time I also danced in three different clubs while I lived in Florida. Many men came to see me including my family doctor, Doctor Rai from his practice in Elmore, Ohio. Dance after dance, every three minutes another dance times seven days a week times five years. That is a lot of dances, not including the dances that I did on stage. No wonder my body hurts so bad now, all of that dancing has taken its toll on me physically.
I described to her a typical three minute lap dance. I apologize now for what I am about to write it is somewhat graphic, but real.


The man was in seated position on a couch in a small secluded room with curtains that I closed, I would lean over him and seductively slide over and breathe down his neck and in his ear. I sat on his lap facing him and began to slowly sway my hips back and forth to the rhythm of whatever song the girl on stage chose to dance to. I would continue gently breathing on his neck and in his ear in attempt to get him so aroused that he would get another dance. Sometimes I would turn around with my back to him and continue to grind. I would lean forward with my hands on the floor and press myself into him. I would then turn back around and put my arms around his neck and press my breasts into his face. I would not let the men touch me with their hands or lick me and I would not do that to them. That would be an immediate stop to the dance. As the song came to an end I would pick up the pace and depth of the swaying motion until the man was about to orgasm, then I would stop and the music would change. If they wanted another dance I would slowly start the whole cycle again, teasing and grinding not knowing that I was slowly grinding away at my self worth.

Pieces of my self worth were chipping away with every dance. My emotions are so ground down that I have shut off my sense of feeling. I have put up a wall that I have no idea how to tear down. I reflect back to my dancing days a realize now how badly all those dances were affecting me. All that grinding and dancing has made me numb. Numb to any kind of love in any future relationship I may have. Almost like the only time I do feel is when I am grinding on some man and that is such a warped sense of feeling.
I pray that I can learn how to feel again. Love like a person should really love. I feel that now my chances of that are almost diminished. If I did the math on how many dances I have done over those five years and turned it into a story problem the answer would be zero, nothing left, empty.
I know that my Lord will restore what was stolen and that I am worth more than rubies but I wish I new how to feel my worth. How to feel that love and compassion that should be there. I don't want to feel cold anymore. I don't want to feel robotic when I am with a man or that I have to perform as Peyton. I want to be Renee again, not both. How do I put Peyton away when she is part of me, or can I?
I have been both Peyton the stripper/prostitute and Renee for so long, how do I make this change? Lord help me, I have been ground to empty.

1...2...3 SPIT!

The High Level Bridge in Toledo, Ohio can create very memorable moments. I have driven over the High Level Bridge hundreds of times but until you walk across it's a totally different experience. I have lived in and around Toledo my entire life and I can now say that the High Level Bridge is quite the adventure.
I was hanging out with my two youngest children whom were of course...bored. So of course to them it is my job as a parent to entertain them. On this particular day I really came through with some fun.
I decided I was going to take them on a walk across the High Level Bridge. When I told them about my idea you would have thought I just earned the mother of the year award.
We parked at Andrus Hardware just on the east side of the bridge, which happens to be a great hardware store that has not been taken over by the big guys, whom I will not mention. So I parked the car, they were so excited. Before we got out of the car we went over the rules. No running, stay by me, be careful, and we can only spit over the side of the bridge when we reach the center. Like spitting over the side was the trophy moment of accomplishment for little kids.
So there we were at the base of the high level bridge just about to begin our accent. Cars were rushing by but we new we were safe, people cross the bridge by foot everyday. It was so neat to watch them as they got closer and closer to the center. The view from above was so cool. They were so excited and couldn't wait to get to the middle so they could spit over the side.
After some time of climbing, we finally made it to the center. On the count of three...1...2...3 SPIT! We did it! One of the most memorable moments we have had in Toledo, making it to the center of the High Level Bridge and spitting over the side. How cool is that!~Pamela Renee Schneider

In Tears

About a month after I was raped over 17 years ago I went horseback riding with my daughter at my Aunt and Uncles house. My daughter and I were riding the horse together. I was in the back and she sat in front of me. We were not experienced riders, so when the horse cut its hoof and started running towards a tree I

Shetara

didn't know what to do. The horse rode us right into a tree, my daughter flew forward and I flew backwards off the horse. In mid-air I grabbed my daughter and she landed on top of me as we hit the ground. My daughter had scratches on her face from flying into the tree limbs. When we hit the ground the wind got knocked right out of me. The horse kept running and eventually she circled around and was headed right for us. My uncle grabbed us both and pulled us out of the path of the rampaging horse. I could not breathe but thankfully my daughter was alright.
My uncle put me in the back of the pick up truck and drove me to the house where he laid me on the couch. He then proceeded to tickle me not believing that I was really that injured. My aunt and uncle decided to take me to the emergency room to make sure everything was alright. The doctors put me under heavy sedation to ease the pain. The impact cracked all my ribs on the right side of my rib cage. I was in great pain. I could hardly inhale each breathe was very painful.
The doctor came in and asked me if there was any chance that I could be pregnant and I told him no. Apparently just to make sure they did a pregnancy test on me anyways. Still very sedated the doctor came back in with the news that I was actually pregnant. It was not only shocking but the only way I could have been pregnant would have been the result of me being raped that previous Labor Day weekend just a month prior.
I was devastated. I could not believe what I was hearing as I was in and out of consciousness from the Demerol. I told the doctor that I was raped the month before and that is the only way I could have been pregnant. How horrifying. I started to cry.
I was released from the hospital with cracked ribs and news that I was pregnant. I did not know what to think or do. How could this be happening? How could this already stressful situation possibly be getting worse? Not only was I raped, thrown from a horse, now I am pregnant. Could it get any worse? Yes.
Approximately a month after finding out I was pregnant I was in my mind debating what I should do. I was in the bathroom one afternoon using the restroom and all of a sudden I thought I smelled what I thought was a dead mouse. I looked everywhere for it but didn't see one anywhere. Then I figured it out. It was not a dead mouse it was a smell of death coming from me. In disbelief and in tears, I went to the doctor and that is when I found out the news that the baby had passed. It was probably due to the horse accident and the impact that my body took. My doctor told me he wanted me to pass the fetus on my own.
About two weeks later I noticed some blood. I immediately went to the hospital knowing what was going on. By the time I got to the hospital my sweat pants were full of blood. I was hemorrhaging. I checked in to the front desk and told them what was happening and they told me to go have a seat. I went into the bathroom and the next thing I know there was a male nurse squeezing I.V. fluid into my arm. I had blacked out in the bathroom and they said they found me laying next to the toilet. They told me that they almost lost me. The emergency personnel were running around like crazy in my room. I was losing a lot of blood. Finally they called in the surgeon to do an emergency DNC on me.
After the surgery everything calmed down. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I believe I was still in shock. I was all alone and had no one there to help me get through it. I was sad that I had lost the baby even though it was a product of rape, it was still part of me. I will never know whether it was a boy or girl but that's ok. The baby is with my Lord and Savior, who at the time I didn't know it, was with me all along.~Renee

Cheap Trick

I was raped, there I said it, I was raped. It has taken me 17 years to be able to say that without crying. It was so long ago but it still feels like yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, that's true, a lot of time but forgiveness is what actually healed my wound.
I was at work as a cashier at a truck stop in Millbury, Ohio and I was due to work this one particular evening. My friend was having a Labor Day get together with some of her and her husbands friends at her home on Hudson Street. Then after the get together everyone headed downtown Toledo to what the City of Toledo called Party in the Park. That evening "Cheap Trick" was going to be in concert. My friend and I got in her convertible and drove down to the party. Little did I know how the day was going to unfold.
I had to work third shift that night so I decided to not do any drinking. We had a great time and then she took me back to her home. I proceeded to head on to work. I was done with all my tasks that evening and decided to call my friend to have her come over to my work and hang out. Little did I know this would be a very bad decision.
She came out to my work with her husband and his three friends Jason Young, Ron Khoenke, and Rodney Rose all of Findley, Ohio. They were at the days previous events but I did not know them nor did I hang out with them. We were outside the truck stop enjoying the fresh evening air while my co-worker ran the register inside if anyone came in. We hung out for a about a half hour when they all decided they were going to head back to my friends house. My friend and her husband drove separate and the three friends drove in a red pick up truck. My friend and her husband were driving away when the three friends picked me up, after trying to convince me to say yes, and put me in their truck and drove off with me, leaving my co-worker wondering where I went.
I was pleading with them to let me out of the truck but they weren't having that. I thought they were just joking at first but when they got on the expressway I realized that this was no joke. They took me without my consent and now I am headed down the highway not sure of the destination. I could not jump out of the truck because they were on either side of me. I remember them joking and laughing thinking this is a good time. To me it was not. I was very worried about losing my job. At the time I was a single mom and my daughter was very young, I was concerned about not having the money to support her. I continued to beg of them to bring me back. They said nothing to me. The one guy just kept on driving.
They got off the Stickney/Lagrange exit in Toledo, Ohio, that's when I figured that they were taking me back to my friends house. I thought to myself good now my friend can give me a ride back to my place of employment as soon as we arrive, but that did not work out as planned.
I frantically tried to get anyone to bring me back to work in fear that I would lose my job. My friend did not want to bring me back like I had hoped. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was just taken from my job. Little did I know that their intentions were more than taking me from the truck stop.
The three guys went upstairs so I followed them into a spare bedroom where I asked them to bring me back to work. They shut the door behind me and they all three came at me. I wasn't sure what to do or what exactly they were doing. They had me cornered by the bed and I remember that I fell to a fetal position beside the bed, trying to make it so they could not touch me but they had other things in mind. They raped me. There, I said it again. I will leave out the gruesome details. I detached from myself while they were doing what they were doing. Trying to not think about what was going on. They finished what they had set out to do and they all went back downstairs and they left immediately. I went downstairs and my friend asked me what happened and I told her. Her husband didn't believe me. They finally drove me back to my job where my coworker was thankful to see me and that I was alive. She had no idea what had happened to me. she had called my boss and she came in that night. She did not know what to do because they new my car was still there but I was not. They both were scared that something bad had happened. Unfortunately, they were right.
My coworker ended up calling the police from my job to report the abduction and rape. They questioned me, my friend and her husband. My friends husband was reluctant to give the officers the information on his three friends and the truck description until they threatened to take him to jail for withholding evidence. They told me to not wash my hands or anything for evidence. The police called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. At the hospital they did a rape kit. My friend and her husband had to leave because their son was at a babysitters. They had to keep my clothes for the kit. My boss ended up bringing me some clothes when she came in that night to check on me. The clothes were way to big but that is all I had. After she left I was at the hospital all alone.
I was released from the hospital the next day after spending all night there and I went home. I did not tell anyone in my family or my friends what happened. My friend and her husband, my boss and co-worker and the three guys were the only ones that new. I was ashamed and embarrassed. What was wrong with me? Could I have done something different to stop them? It was my fault for calling my friend to hang out with me. Why didn't I yell, bite or scratch? Something. I was detached. Split into two.What they did was horrible and they now lead normal lives with families and their families probably don't even know what they did. They finally received sexual cohersion charges and that was it. They got away with it.
It has been very difficult for me, over the years, to even talk about what happened. I have now after therapy and time learned to forgive myself and all that were involved that night for their part in what happened. Early on I wanted to seek vengeance to my attackers but now I know that it is in my Lord's hands.They say time heals all wounds but the fact that I have forgiven them is what sets me free from them. All the glory to God.~Renee

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written,Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19

A Missing Puzzle Piece

It was so long ago that I am trying to recollect exactly what happened. We were in our hometown of Elmore, Ohio and I was approximately 13 years old. I remember going on a bicycle ride with my best friend. We didn't have a bike for me so we decided I would ride on the handle bars of her bike. Neither of us were wearing helmets.
We were riding on the road coming up to the gulf course. We came to a big hill and started to go down at a pretty fast pace. The next thing I remember was a man picking me up along side the road and putting me into the back of his pick up truck. I wish I new now but I have no idea who that angel was that stopped and picked us up that day. My friend got in the back of the truck with me and he proceeded to take us to my friends house where her parents were. Not having a clue as to what just happened, they rushed out of the house to see what was going on.
While descending the hill my shoe string got caught in the front spokes of the bike tire. Immediately I was thrown face first into the pavement. I was knocked unconscious. My friend had a bruise on her hip. I barely remember the short ride to her parents house. I was very disoriented as I hit the road really hard. The impact had damaged the left side of my face significantly and I lost two of my front teeth.
We arrived at my friends house where her parents were in a state of shock when they saw the man carry me out of the back of his truck. They were very curious as to what happened. My friend explained to them what had occurred as they rushed me into the house and laid me on the couch. I was still quiet disoriented.
My friends parents called my parents and they arrived within ten minutes. By then I was starting to feel the pain of the accident. When my parents arrived I started to cry. I was in so much pain and was relieved to see my parents.
Fortunately, my friend lived only a few doors down from my doctors office so the doctor saw me right away. He dressed the wounds that were on my face and he thought that I may have to have plastic surgery but he said to wait and see how it would heal before we made any decisions. I do not recall going to the hospital for my injuries. I did go to the dentist to have caps put on my teeth.
After some time my face did heal and my permanent crowns were put on my broken teeth. I am 42 years old now and am looking back to this incident because my counselor believes that my verbal communication difficulties may have been related to a traumatic brain injury. My grades were reported as getting bad in the ninth grade and that is not too much past the time of the bicycle accident. She believes that it is possible that when my head hit the road it could have done some permanent damage to my vocal communication processing in which would have an effect on my grades.
Since I had never gone to the emergency room that day a traumatic brain injury may have been overlooked. My counselor suggested to me that I go to a neurologist to have it checked out. I look back and wonder why they never took me to the emergency room. I guess it does not matter at this point but I think I will definitely look into it now. It would just be crazy if a bicycle accident that happened so long ago could have been affecting me my entire life and I did not connect the dots. I hope a neurologist will have some answers because if there was a traumatic brain injury a lot of things in my life will make more sense. Just another missing puzzle piece of my life that may have been found.~Pamela Renee Schneider

His Face

As I walked through the house it seemed like I had been there before but I knew that I had never been. It was weird being there because people were saying bad things about it but I saw nothing bad at all. It was intriguing. What I saw were things that may have needed a simple dusting or small improvement.
All of a sudden someone was in the room near an unlit fireplace that opened up and engulfed us both. He held me tight as one would hold a sitting child and faster than I have ever moved we flew through a tunnel of beautiful golds and rubies, more beautiful than any thing I have ever seen before. We moved swifter than humanly possible, I was very scared but he said that it was OK so I new to put my complete trust in this man. We flew to what seemed to be a whole new world and I had no idea where I was at. This man was the most handsome man I had ever seen and he made me feel how much he loved me just by being in His presents. I was not afraid but fell into complete love. It was a feeling like I have never known before. I looked down at my finger where a ring appeared with a beautiful diamond with tiny hearts around the band.

I knew then immediately that he was my Lord and Savior. We flew until we reached what seemed to be a city. I had powers that I did not yet know how to use. I jumped into the air and started flying. I had super powers of speed and helping those in need. I flew through the air looking for people to help. There were others flying through the air. I felt natural, whole, loved and in love like I have never felt before. I flew to an outer space and helped some men with a floating object and helped with repairs. I then flew back into the arms of the man who carried me. The feeling of love overtook me. I did not want it to end. He gently picked me back up and flew me back to the house.
I was no longer scared or felt alone. I believe through this dream he showed his love for me by revealing His face. Something I had never seen before nor did I know that I could see, so overwhelmingly pure, so perfect. Indescribable, although I try to attempt to get it into words. I now know that yes, he is real. Through my dream, He showed me His face. Thank you my love, thank you my Lord.