A Mothers Opinion-Part 2

Renee,

If by some chance your wondering what prompted this angry letter it was yesterday. I came to your door and knocked twice loudly, knowing you were right there talking on the phone. You chose not to answer the door. When I asked you later that day if you heard me, your reply was yes but I didn't answer because I was on the phone. You also chose not to inquire later as to what I needed. Really Renee, is this the way most mothers are treated? Is this the way you expect your kids to treat you? Perhaps Jesus was knocking on your door with and through me. Check the Bible!

Yes, I am angry and hurt. I didn't expect to have to keep up with your shitty attitude. I also don't think God expects me to either. At least not without saying my piece. This past year, look around, who has helped you most, with what they have and through everything else going around here. It's not your dad, Michele and Tim, Diane or Tom, the church, it has been me. Your living in my house, using my stuff (yes, the very stuff you call my idol), you have damaged my stuff with little care, I paid your utilities until November so as to not have
your heat and water shut off. Only to have you snap at me about it. You only shared with me that it was being turned off, not anything about an appointment with Bruce. I thought I was being kind to you.

I have listened to you "cry" about Laura and Ken. I have listened about the pain in your back. I have listened about your paychecks. I drove you back and forth to work when it was all I could do to watch your pain while I dropped you off. Trying also to keep my own pain in control. I went with you to Tuesday night classes the first few months so you'd have a ride. Where did you think I'm getting gas?

When you were so sick in November and Chad ran off, who was it that brought you food, help you off the chair to the bathroom, slept on the couch. Was that the woman at your door yesterday? When I had the flu at Christmas for five days where were you. Did you even know or care  that while I could barely get up to make food, my dear friend was in the hospital getting blood transfusions to save his life and I couldn't be at his side? I realize you can't understand any of this!

When your purse was stolen and you were upset, who helped you look for it, searched the church for it sympathetically with you, prayed about it, Chad? No, me. The one who didn't steal your gas cards. When my jewelry was stolen and I came over to tell you, you didn't so much as come back to my house with me, or go to the police with me or talk to me afterwards. Who was right there when it was happening and wasn't supportive. Oh, sure, you run around Toledo with a  picture of Chad to all the pawn brokers. Why not take me with you or at least the pictures of my jewelry. The way you have been acting who knows what you were
doing.

Why don't you think over your whole life, step by step and see who was really there for you? Am I throwing things up to you,yes, I sure am. I'm mad. I'm tired of your treatment to me. I'm sick of putting up with it and keeping my mouth shut. I'm sick of your total lack of consideration and communication.

Who sat at your garage sales and gave you all the money. The flea market in Elmore and made no money, so you could work and be at church. Who paid for the dumpster, who helped with the spiders before leaving to Maine. Who's things in the garage were sold while gone, when Lenny web knew which things weren't going but again because of lack of communication you say your usual" I didn't know. You think your so smart having the dealers over while I'm gone, well guess what Renee, They robbed you , that's the name of the game. You should have gotten four times as much. As you might be able to tell things have been building up in me. I am sick of your treatment.

Your baptism! I was sick to my stomach watching you. Barb said you wanted everyone to see the improvement in you. (something like that) what improvement? I remembered how you very nastily said you didn't want to be baptized with me and then I have to sit and watch other families thrilled to be together on their day. At that point I didn't want to part of your show. OK! I wasn't, was I, you hadn't even asked me to come.Then when I get home there is a message from you Saturday evening asking if you could pick up Jacob. Your calling me when you hadn't even talked to me since my jewelry was stolen. You have the nerve to ask me for more when you can't even say one, not one, I'm sorry mom about Don? Even common courtesy should have told you to do that.

All year, until January I did these things because I wanted to help you and in return I left your actually seeming to enjoy my company and laughing together was plenty of return for me. It really shouldn't have been costing you a thing. But it cost me dearly, Renee, because once again you have stomped on my heart. I feel sorry for you Renee, is this why at the age of 38 you haven't experienced all three loves? I don't think you know how!

Mom

June 9, 2010

Of course this was all written before I saw you with Chad on Memorial Day. Why the big secret, is it because you know myself and your family and those at church wouldn't approve? Well we don't!

However I was pleased but confused that you do care enough not to have me blown away in the tornado. Thank You! However in a small sense I have been hit by a different type of tornado in the last three years. I lost Bud, our house, much of my stuff had to be sold or left behind, then Richard broke my heart, then the jewelry. I'm always selling more things for extra money for church, and I lost you and then Don. I feel as if my heart is laying out all over some field too!
Love,
Mom

My Rebuttal
03/27/13
It is unfortunate that my own mother feels this harshly about me. Ever since her jewelry disappeared and Don passed she has resented me. I was in the middle of an important phone conversation when my mother was pounding on my door. I'm sorry if she feels so upset by me not answering the door when I lived 10 feet from her and she could have talked to me at a better time.

If I had a bad attitude it was because I was having a rough year as well. I was very grateful for her help yet when she threw everything she had done in my face it made me upset and not want anything or expect anything from her ever again. I did not damage any of her property. Her grandfather clock needed oil after not having the proper care over the years. Quite the contrary, I cleaned it up nicely and made it a wonderful place to live.

I did not know my mom was sick and yes, I was robbed too. She was not the only one in pain.
As far as the garage sales she said I could have all the stuff to sell in the garage since she was giving it all away anyways before she went to Maine.

In reference to my baptism, she stated she and Vickie did not want to get baptized at Cedar Creek and I wanted to get get baptized by myself. There was no harm in that. All were welcome to come to my baptism, it was not a "show."

Yes, it is unfortunate that I have not experienced the three loves in the correct sequence and of course I would not let her get hurt knowing a tornado is headed our way. Through Christ I am a strong woman, courteous and compassionate and yes, mercy is one of my gifts. It is too bad she doesn't see me how I see me.

I have gone back over my life to see who was really there for me and for some reason it does keep coming back to you, mom. I don't remember you being there much showing me how to be courteous, compassionate or merciful. I remember the pornography, romance novels, see thorough night gowns and lack of affection. So maybe you should also look back over your life step by step and realize that anything bad that you don't like in me, I learned it from you. I love you Mom, I forgive you.

Renee

A Mother's Opinion-Part 1

June 2010

Dear Renee,

As hard as I have tried over the years I just don't seem to be able to reach you, don't understand your needs, don't understand why you have so much problems tolerating your own mother.

I love you Renee, there is no doubt in my heart about this. From the minute I knew you were conceived I loved you. From the minute you were born I was proud to be your mom. I delighted in your achievements, watching you grow gave me one more reason to enjoy life. My goal was to make your life better than mine, your experience better, your love more. Just as I hope you are feeling for your children, I felt for you.

Here's the But! As I reflect back upon this year between you and myself I am very disillusioned and discouraged. When we all found our new understanding with God, I had so much hope for you and I. When you told me (although you did have some church growing up) you had no understanding of Gods love and how life is to be, I felt this must be what made you (made you what, I really don't know).

I have always tried in my feeble way to help you, God knows you don't make it easy. Your heart is hard, Renee. Even though your spiritual gift is not mercy, most people form a little intelligence and life shows most people when it is appropriate to show it. There is a time an place for it.

With all the times you have had your heart broken I would have hoped you would finally get it. Then you were talking about the three kinds of love: *Raya, *Ahava, and *Dode. You said you cried when hearing this and I wondered why? You said it's because you didn't ever experience the first two before Dode. What a painful way to live, what a painful thing to realize. Maybe this explains you to me better. First, even though the tape was referring to couples I fill in any relationships be it brother, sister, aunt and uncle, mother, daughter, best friends. You experience both Raya and Ahava.

Perhaps as you remember these three loves with me you can get a better understanding of my anguish this year. When I came back this year, I sincerely thought I had all three with Richard. We planned to be married when I turned 62. I felt all three of these loves for Richard. Once you experience Raya and Ahava in your relationship with a man you'll begin to realize how much emotional pain I was in.

You , myself and many others wonder why I am so anxious to have another man in my life. I realize now, it's because I was the luckiest woman I know, because I felt all three of these loves for everyman I loved. Your dad, Joe, Bud and Richard. The sad thing with three of them is they eventually removed the first two loves and of course the last one went with it. It's because of the first two that I feel so strong about the Dode.

I came home, had my heart broke, my mountains seemed insurmountable. I looked around and yours did too. I felt concern as to what held you together. I have tried to help you in any way I knew how to, I can't help if I don't know the problems.

Then after praying to God that He put a nice christian man in my spiritual gifts class, he did, Don. You said "Don't expect sympathy from me when he dies". Very christian of you. Had you continued to have shown me your love perhaps you could have understood. I felt that there was a reason for putting him and I in that room. We both needed the healing we could give one another. Don showed me that other men would be interested in me and that Dode wasn't always necessary in a male/female relationship. I learned patience. Don needed me to talk to him about death, no one else around him did, to explain what I saw and felt when others around me had died. He needed me to love and help him to survive through his illness. God wanted me to help him find his path to heaven. I had asked Jesus forgiveness and for him to take me with him in heaven. Don often asked me why I was so sure. I knew why I was with Don, I was doing what God sent me to do.

Don and I had both Raya and Ahava for each other. Because of his illness and time left for Don on earth there was no reason to pursue Dode. We knew that with different circumstances our lives together may have gone to love, marriage, no baby carriage. Knowing I had the Raya and Ahava was enough for me. I'm proud that God chose me to be his angel. I wish you could have understood this. Was this easy to let Don go, no, my earthly heart was broken into pieces, but when I held both Don's hands and he looked clearly into my eyes (as his soul danced between heaven and earth) I was able to tell him with all certainty that which he wanted to know from me, in a couple more hours he would be with Jesus in heaven. You need to understand before that point he was not communicating nor could he focus, he stared with glazed eyes straight ahead. I then asked him if he was okay as he still looked into my eyes he clearly said "Yes, I am". Then his focus was gone. I prayed with him. I felt relief that his pain and suffering was over. I did what God asked me to do, now my new pain and suffering began.

As you were told, Don died in February. My jewelry was stolen in January. I didn't cry or agonize over the jewelry as I normally would have, after all I was losing Don. Someone far more precious than any gold or diamonds could ever be. Another lesson from God. Am I angry? Yes! Do I miss it? Yes! Is it important? Yes, but not nearly as important as other things in life. You were stolen from me along with that jewelry. But You had control of that, Renee, I guess I've never really had you.

I had such hope for you when you started going to church, reading the Bible. I have all kinds of mean things I'd like to say to you, what's the point, you've shown me what you feel about me. I'll have to find a way to have you as my neighbor, not a daughter. It's pretty clear to me, you don't want me as a mother. It's really too bad. I love you, Renee, after all, since you were conceived I hoped we'd live our lives together with love. I guess I don't know how to show it to you.

Perhaps you need to study your Bible more, you know that part about honoring your mother. I love you Renee, but  it brakes my heart to say this, right now, there is not much I like about you. Love and like are two different things. I figure also, that there's not much you like about me or you certainly would be acting a lot different.

My Love Always,
Mom

This letter was given to me after my mothers jewelry and my purse and it's contents were stolen possibly by my ex-boyfriend. She accused me of being a part in the robbery. He did admit to stealing my purse but never confessed to taking the jewelry. I did all I could to help her recover her missing items. I drove all around Toledo to pawn shops looking for any pieces of the jewelry I could find. I had no luck.
She then lost her friend Don that was in stage four cancer when they met. I happened to be out of town visiting a friend that also had cancer and was dying when Don had his funeral. She is now mad at me for being unsympathetic for Don's passing (which I am not) and she thinks I stole her valuables.
I shared with her a video called "Flame" that talked about love between a man and a woman. The only man she could have had all three with was my dad because he is the only man she has been married to, the others don't count.
As far as liking my mother the feeling is not mutual. I love my mother. She's my mother. Even though she is my mom I will not be around someone that continues to throw false accusations my way. I had no part in stealing anything. As long as she continues to think I am the type of person that would do that I am going to choose to stay away from toxicity.

Three stages of God centered Love between a man and a woman
*Raya-Friendship
*Ahava- Commitment /Marriage
*Dode-Lust for Love/Sex

http://nooma.com/films/002-flame

My Voice

It amazes me how many people are viewing my blog yet no one is brave enough to comment. I understand that many of my posts are from before I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and are, for some individuals, hard to read. I have chosen to not "sugar coat" my journal entries.

In order to see the true effect of what I am trying to do, the truth has got to come out. For some, if you are choosing to read my blog, the truth may not necessarily be what you want to hear. The truth will set me free but for some particular people, they don't want their truths out. Your secrets are no longer for me to carry.

If you disagree with my perspective, feel free to comment. For some, you will not like what I have to say, but that's okay. If you don't like it you shouldn't have done it. You will know who you are.

I have been through a lot of healing since I was born again and have forgiven all the people that have hurt me in my past. There are some that continue to try to cause pain yet I forgive them again and again. I also ask that if I have ever caused you pain that you forgive me. I did and still do not know exactly what I am doing. This blog is my voice of communication starting to develop.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my blog and not passing judgment on my emotions. God bless you and for those whom are close to my heart...I love you.

~Pamela Renee Schneider

After Christ 04/17-22/10

04/16/10
The Greatest Message-I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. Matthew 28:5
Thank you God for your son! If we believe then the Holy Spirit fills our heart with His love. What an amazing miracle. Because of You I am alive. I want to climb a mountain and yell to everyone the good news!

04/17/10
Patience and Prayer-We...do not cease to pray for you. Colossians 1:9
Lord, I need to keep praying. I need to pray that my situation changes soon. I do not know how I am going to be able to survive in my current situation. I feel like giving up and just taking off but I can't even do that because of no money. I pray for my finances to change but it only seems to get worse. Help me God!!!

04/18/10
A Sure Supply-My God shall supply all your need. Philippians 4:19
So what am I doing wrong? Lord, I need your help with my finances. I need to make more than $2 something an hour. Maybe my faith weakens because it feels never ending. I feel my life is hopeless. Waking up is seeming more and more useless as time goes on.

04/19/10
Shining Lights-Let your light so shine before men, that they may...glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16
At this point I am not real sure what I have done would attract others to Christ. If they could see me when I am home alone crying-nothing. When at church or my groups they would think my life drastically changed.

04/20/10
The Call To Discipleship-Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me. Matthew 11:29
I am yoked to Christ, or at least I am trying to be. The world is working very diligently to keep me from the Lord. I pray that my bad habits of this world will be gone so I can focus 100% on Christ!

04/21/10
God Never Changes-God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth. John 4:24
There is absolutely no reason not to trust God. He has been my rock for the past year in which has totally transformed me. He is the only stable thing in my life. Like the eye of my personal hurricane. I can trust in Him.

04/22/10
The Hope of the Centuries-It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:26
Lord, I hope you come soon. The stress of this world has me just about ready to quit. I know I should trust in you to get me through this life. I'm so tired of the stupid things that happen to me. I just want to be able to relax in your arms.

After Christ 04/09-15/10

04/09/10
The Good Shepherd-The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. John 10:11
I worry that my impurity will keep me from my Lord. I am repenting my sin. I don't want to betray Him again. Lord give me the strength to say no! It is not worth losing eternal life with You! Lord help me!

04/10/10
The Message Of Easter-He has risen! He is not here. Mark 16:6
Easter to me means that Jesus died for my eternal salvation. Anyone who believes in Him will have eternal life. If you are born again good things start to happen. God is my rock. When something goes wrong I hold on to Him while the problem passes. Amen for my lord!

04/11/10
Risen and Returning-This same Jesus...will so come in like manner as you saw Him go. Acts 1:11
Thank you lord for conquering the grave. Without You we would be nothing. You have saved us all. My life is now saved. My death is over. I was lost but now am found, blind but now I see!

04/12/10
A Certain Hope-Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. Jeremiah 17:7
Everyone that lives of this world are placing their hope on things that are a waste of time and energy. Having faith and hope in our Lord is the only way to salvation.

04/13/10
Why Did He Die?-The message of the cross...is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18
Before I came to Christ I did not even think about how I was sinning, Now if I sin the guilt is overwhelming. Therefore, I need to pay close attention to my actions. I don't want to think that because of me He died in vain. I will try to be as close as I can be like Jesus.

04/14/10
Forgiveness and Fellowship-I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.                       Jeremiah 31:34
Thank you Lord for forgiving my sins. I have been self-centered in my guilt for so many years. I give my life to you Lord. May I sin less and walk your walk. Thank you for giving me life and saving my life. Glory be to God.

04/15/10
Heavenly News-God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power. 1 Corinthians 6:14
Thank you Lord Jesus for helping me see Your light. Being born again is the greatest event that has happened to me. I was the walking dead before I found you. Glory be to God!

Living Ghosts

Living Ghosts

A little girl trafficked talks about ghosts;
I understand what she's implying.
They are everywhere.
I don't know for certain
which ones are good
and which ones are evil
until they are touching me
in that inappropriate way.
Their words are daggers,
their touches that burn,
they are everywhere
in every direction I turn.
They look at me with lust
with eyes that undress,
everywhere I go, potential duress.
The little girl calls them ghosts
but we know ghosts aren't real.
What is real?
What do I see?
The nightmares
of what she calls the Living Ghosts
still getting me.

Lord set me free.

~Pamela Renee Schneider

After Christ 04/2-08/10

04/02/10
A Living Sacrifice-Present yourselves to God as being alive...and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. Romans 6:13
Lord, I pray that I don't do anything to dishonor you. Temptation from the evil one is trying very hard to make me disobedient. Give me the strength, Lord, to be strong in my faith.

04/03/10
The Resurrection and Life-He who believes in me will live...and...will never die. John 11:25-26
This is a miracle that God has provided, Since I have been re-born I now understand that I don't have to fear death. I know that I have a place in Heaven. I look forward to meeting the Lord.

04/04/10
Refined and Purified-When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10
I was way off path when I discovered my Lord. It took me years to make my mess, now I need the patience to clean it up. God, you are my rock, my security that all will be okay. Thank you Lord for your grace.

04/05/10

The Light Of God's Love-O lord my God. You are very great;...You who laid the foundations of the earth. Psalm 104:1,5
I will absolutely love God for the rest of my days on this temporary world. I will use this time to grow and share His love. He is the creator. It is not humanly possible to understand. I know He loves me and I am thankful to Him for filling my heart with His love.

04/06/10
The Future Life-As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes.             Psalm 103:15

Thank you Jesus, I am going to be with you in heaven! I couldn't even imagine my life in hell for eternity without you. What a relief knowing You are with me forever.

04/07/10
We Can't Outgive God-The generous soul will be made rich. Proverbs 11:25
Lord, I wish I had more financially to tithe. Before I came to you I would never part with my money, now I wish I had some to give. I will try to give more in other ways. If anyone needs my help I am glad to. Praise the love of the Lord!

04/08/10
God Cares For You-God is not the author of confusion but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33
I am so overwhelmed with the issue of purity. Why do I disobey the law of my Lord? The guilt I feel is saddening me to the point of not functioning. I keep praying for deliverance from this evil. Lord be with me.

After Christ 03/26-04/01/10

03/26/10
Cowardly or Courageous?-If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31
Is depression giving into fear or is it something truly wrong with me? Some days are worse than others but I always seem to make it through. God is my center, I am safe. I will fear less, follow Him.

03/27/10
Christ is Risen-He is not here, but is risen! Luke 24:6
I was saved a year ago and my life has changed dramatically. My heart is filled with His love! I give all my worries to Him with His help. I look at the world with a different perspective. God is now my center, my rock. Glory be to God, the one and only true love of my life!

03/28/10
Peace With God-Let the peace of God rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:15
I pray that the Lord will take away the back and neck pain and the depression and anxiety. I need to strengthen my faith to alleviate my symptoms. The Lord will provide. I just need to be strong in all that I do.

03/29/10
A Purpose and a Power-Go quickly and tell...that He is risen from the dead. Matthew 28:7
My confidence is in our Lord Jesus Christ. My faith waivers now and then but I just have to re-group and focus myself on Him. My problems are nothing compared to His pain of dying for me. Thank you Lord Jesus for dying for all of us undeserving sinners.

03/30/10
He Suffered For You-His visage was marred more than any man. Isaiah 52:14
I could not even imagine the pain and anguish He went through because of our sins. To go from no sinning to bearing ours must have been unbearable. My thank you's are not enough. I must live by your truth so You didn't go through all the torture in vain.

03/31/10
It Is Finished-He was wounded for our transgressions. Isaiah 53:5
Thank you Lord for saving all of your children! What you have done for us is beyond comprehension. You died for us. How amazing you are. I now see the light. Lord, may I let the Holy Spirit fill me with your love. Show me the way Lord.

04/01/10
The Living Christ-It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. Galatians 2:20
Praise be to the glory of God! Thank you Lord for saving us! I pray that you use me to bring others to you. Make me a vessel of communication to your lost sheep. I do not want to see anyone left behind!

After Christ 03/19-25/10

03/19/10
Soaring in Victory-Unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. John 3:3
I am in the process of being victorious. I have been born again. I am being judged and ridiculed about it but that's okay, the devil will not win over me. I have an inner peace. Thank you Lord.

03/20/10
Life With a Capital L-The Son gives life to whom He will. John 5:21
Lord, you know I let the routines of daily living get me down. I pray that you help me live each day with your Holy Spirit in me. Show me the strength I need to get through each day. Be with me Lord as I struggle. I will not let the evil one run my life. You are the one I live for.

03/21/10
Gods Great Heart-Love the Lord your God with all your heart...and your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27
Being human and set in my ways, I find it hard sometimes to have the love for particular people that I'm supposed to. It is habit for me to be mad. With the Lord's help I am trying to learn to love like He wants me to.

03/22/10
Earnest Prayer-Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving. Colossians 4:2
I am praying now more than I ever have in my 38 years of life. I did not understand what it meant to pray. I pray when I wake up, go to bed and throughout the day. I talk to the Lord as much as possible. Amen for prayer!

03/23/10
Claim a Larger Blessing-Through God we will do valiantly. Psalm 108:13
My life had got so out of control that the only way I could have survived was through the love of Jesus Christ. My heart was broken and His love filled me. I am a different person and I am eternally grateful.

03/24/10
The Victorious Chime-I, even I, am the Lord, and besides Me there is no savior. Isaiah 43:11
After all these years I finally understand what Easter is all about. Christ died on the cross for our sins. When I hear the bells on Easter, I will rejoice!

03/25/10
The Answer to Fear-Do not be afraid. Matthew 28:10
I no longer fear death. I understand that death is my punishment for my sins before I get to heaven. I no longer fear. Thank you Lord for your grace and salvation. What a huge relief to not fear death anymore. Glory be to God!

After Christ 03/12-18/10

03/12/10
God's Kingdom, God's Way-Your throne, O God, is forever and ever. Psalm 45:6
Thank you Lord for saving me from eternal damnation. I hate to think that I would be stuck in hell for eternity. Because of your grace I am a new person. Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love.

03/13/10
Dynamic and Dedicated-Stand fast in the Lord. Philippians 4:1
It is a cold windy and gloomy day. I have to keep in mind that God has made today like this for a reason. I'm not sure exactly why, I feel down and in pain. When does life get better? I feel so helpless right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is very dim. I wish I new His path for me. It is what it is I guess.


03/14/10
Rescuing Angels-The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them. Psalm 34:7
The Lord sent His angels to be with me today for my baptism in the form of family and friends. I did become overwhelmed periodically but the Lord got me through. I am yours Lord. Do your work through me.

03/15/10
Joyous Optimism-My soul shall be joyful in the Lord. Psalm 35:9
There are many issues in my life that are very discouraging. I have faith in the Lord that gives me the confidence I need to get through these hard times. I have been re-born into a life that has hope and optimism. Glory be to God!

03/16/10
Right On The Beam-Narrow is the gate and difficult is the way that leads to life. Matthew 7:14
Only Jesus knows the way and I want to follow Him to the promise land, even if I have to make painful and heartbreaking decisions to get there. Your the truth, the way and the light.

03/17/10
Unload Your Distress-Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
I am so thankful to you Lord for taking away all of my sins. I know I can not live life on my own, that I need your help. You ease my pain that this evil, temporary world brings upon me. I am eternally grateful for your presents in my life.

03/18/10
Material Gods-What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Mark 8:36
I don't have any money or material possessions that get in the way of focusing on Christ. My lack of money is what concerns me. I pray that the Lord provides me with enough money to help myself and others who need it.

After Christ 03/5-11/10

03/05/10
The Spirit of God-I will pray to the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever. John 14:16
Before I was saved I did not know what the Holy Spirit was. Now He fills my heart completely and I thankfully understand. If I did not have the Holy Spirit I could only guess where I would be right now-still dead in hell.

03/06/10
Glorious Giving-Give, and it will be given to you. Luke 6:38
Lord, I want to be able to give. My lack of any money is preventing me to monetarily help anyone. Thankfully, I have received many gift cards for gas and help with my car to enable me to get to church so I can learn more about you. I will try to give in other ways when I am able. I love you Lord. Be with me, keep me strong.

03/07/10
Life In Christ Works-I know whom I have believed. 2 Timothy 1:12
I am so grateful that I have Christ in my life. Yes, things are still chaotic but I now have an inner peace that I never would have had without the Holy Spirit. The only regret that I have by accepting Jesus Christ is that it didn't happen sooner.

03/08/10
The Brightness of God's Love-my flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart. Psalm 73:26
I do have a hard time remembering that I should not worry during difficult times. My life seems to be hard constantly. I have to trust that the Lord has good intentions for me and not let everyday stress get to me.

03/09/10
The Mind Of Christ-Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:5
My love for the Lord makes me feel like telling everyone how gracious He is. My fear is that depression is holding me back. Why do I feel this way? I want it to go away so I can be free to talk about the Lord. I want to be excited about my days. Help me Lord.

03/10/10
A Mighty Fortress-He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust. Psalm 91:2
God cares for me and He tells me to stop worrying about all the problems I have. Concern is a better word. I have to have faith. It just seems that nothing is getting better for me. God is making me work on my patience I suppose. I know He has a plan for me and it's going to be good. I just know it.

03/11/10
Come Boldly-Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find. Matthew 7:7
I struggle with giving it all to God. I seem to forget when I'm in the middle of a crisis. It makes sense though. I have to try to remind myself every day. I don't want to go through life sad, burdened, and depressed any longer. Like a proverbial paper ball-I throw it to you Lord.

After Christ 02/26-03/04/10

02/26/10
The Hand Of God-No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11
I have been doing all I can to learn as much as possible about God. The hard part is giving back to others. I am in a place where I need financial help and I pray that my finances come around so I may be able to give back.

02/27/10
A prepared Place-In my Father's house are many mansions. John 14:2
Lord, I am so excited to have the honor of spending eternity with you. I pray that you will mold me in preparation to have a place with you in heaven. It comforts me to know that I will be known and expected in your home and not a burden.

02/28/10
A Passion To Please God-I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. Philippians 4:11
I need to pray and ask God not to worry because I do worry about what others think about me. I feel like a burden to all. I don't like that feeling. I need to be content with what the Lord gives me, and be thankful.

03/01/10
In The World, Not Of The World-They are of the world...We are of God. 1 John 4:5-6
My purpose in this world is to bring non-believers to you. The devil is everywhere and is trying to direct our paths away from the Lord. Stay focused! Be pleasant and show others the rewards of loving our Lord!

03/02/10
People Of Prayer-Lord, teach us to pray. Luke 11:1
I forget to pray. My thoughts consume me sometimes and the thought of praying does not occur to me. I am trying to pay more attention to this problem. I realize that praying is important. I need to clear my mind.

03/03/10
We Can Count On Him-Blessed is the man whose strength is in You. Psalm 84:5
Worry, it seems I do too much of that. It is hard to not get wrapped up into this evil world. I need to pray to the Lord that I worry less. He will take care of me.

03/04/10
Life Plus Love-All the law is fulfilled in one word...love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:14
I pray that others can see Christ's love in my life. Although my life is chaos at this moment, God has made me calm. I would like to get rid of all my belongings one day, travel, and spread the good news. Glory be to God!

After Christ 02/19-25/10

02/19/10
A Formula For Peace-Great peace have those who love Your law, and nothing causes them to stumble. Psalm 119:165
Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love. I try to look at the world through your eyes yet I still struggle with some situations. My anger tends to make it hard to forgive and let go. Help me Lord, I pray.

02/20/10
A Warning Light-If your heart is wise, My heart will rejoice. Proverbs 23:15
I feel as though I listen to my conscious more now than I did before I came to Christ. Things that didn't bother me before really stick out to me now. I pray that others close to me see it how I do.

02/21/10
Pray Anywhere, Anytime-Rejoice always, pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

Before I came to Christ praying seemed silly, now I can understand why it is important. I pray 100% more than I did previously. Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love and guiding me down your path. I am so grateful.

02/22/10
Trust Crowds Out Worry-Commit your way to the Lord...and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5
My anger for the past may be crowding out God's love. It is hard for me to forget. The hardships I face seem to be a result of past situations and people in my life. Sometimes I wish I could get away from every negative source and just be with God.

02/23/10
Let It Shine!-The light of the righteous rejoices. Proverbs 13:9
Even though my life seems out of control, amidst all the chaos I seem to be calm. After 38 years of messing up my life it will take some time to fix, only with God's help. Then I can focus on sharing the good news with everyone. Amen!

02/24/10
No Bargain, No Barter-Come, buy...without money and without price. Isaiah 55:1
Thank you Lord Jesus for the gift of salvation. You have saved my life. I am re-born because of your great love! I am eternally grateful. My live death is the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me. Glory be to God!!!

02/25/10
The Divine Flame-You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be my witness. Acts 1:8
It is not easy to totally submit yourself to the Lord. It seems that people around you try to make it difficult. It is hard being ridiculed by those who say they love you. I must be strong. I love your law. Give me strength Lord to ward off evil.

After Christ 02/12-18/10

02/12/10
We Wait On God-Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles. Isaiah 40:31
Lord you give me the strength to endure everything that life throws at me. Gods power will give me the guidance to ignore the sins around me and live for Him.

02/13/10
A Joyful Life-Rejoice in the Lord always. Philippians 4:4
I believe I am a true believer. I sometimes don't show it like I should. I am still afraid of what people will think and of being ridiculed. I am working on that issue. God give me strength.

02/14/10
Christian Virtues At Home-I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit. John 15:5

I struggle with all the sins of this world. Anger, impatience, suspicion, laziness, and irritability to name a few. I know I'm not perfect but I am working on my faults. Home life has been better since I came to Christ. Glory be to God!

02/15/10
Thirsting After Righteousness-They were all filled with the Holy Spirit. Acts 2:4
I think the devil keeps us from turning to Christ. Sins of the world lead us away from Him and as a Christian we must focus and not lead astray from Him. We have to know the difference of when the devil is at work or when the Lord is guiding us.

02/16/10
Serving God Forever-Because of His great love...He...made us alive together with Christ. Ephesians 2:4-5
Lord, help me to be a good servant. I want to be good so I can be in eternity with you. I pray that I can be strong and not give in to temptation. Some things are harder for me than others. Help me Lord be good for you. Bless all whom believe in you!

02/17/10
Power For Life-The Spirit of truth...dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:17
Thank you Lord for opening my hardened heart to allow the Holy Spirit to fill it with His love. Without you Lord I do not know how I would be handling my chaotic life. Thank you Lord.

02/18/10
God Takes the Burden-As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. Psalm 103:13
The thought that I am the Lords dependent puts my way of thinking into a new perspective. It seems at times all I do is worry about where my next meal will come from. Thank you Lord for taking care of me. I can't do this on my own.

After Christ 02/05-11/10

02/05/10
Longing For God-My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Psalm 84:2
I feel that God has given me this time to learn more about Him. I hunger to learn more about Him and to walk down the path He leads me down. I was drowning before the Lord, now I can breathe! Glory to God!

02/06/10
Triumph and Glory-The day of the Lord so comes as a thief in the night. 1 Thessalonians 5:2
It almost scares me to think that the Lord could come at any time. Am I ready? Many of my friends and family are not. It worries me. I want to tell everyone about the Lord but how do I? I doubt my abilities. Be with me Lord.

02/07/10
The Bread of Life-He who wins souls is wise. Proverbs 11:30

I am doing what I can Lord to learn about you so I can tell others about you. I understand how you alone are the one that can fill my heart with love, fill the void that I have. Dear Lord, please use me to bring others to you.

02/08/10
The Storm Is Behind Us-You have cast all my sins behind Your back.
Isaiah 38:17
Thank you dear Jesus for dying for our sins. I will do my best to sin as little as possible. I know that I can't stop sinning 100% but I will try to follow the Lord's lead. Please dear Lord lead me from temptation. You know me Lord and where I struggle. I can do this. Amen.

02/09/10
Power To Change The World-You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth. Psalm 71:5
Thank you Lord for saving my life and showing me your light. You have transformed me by changing my outlook in everything. The old me is dead. The devil tries to get to me but you are with me to protect me. I am eternally grateful.

02/10/10
The Master Key-The Lord our God we will serve, and His voice we will obey. Joshua 24:24
I'm doing my best Lord to follow your word. I know I am not perfect, but I'm not exactly sure what to do when it comes to finances. Am I lazy? What am I doing wrong? Please be with me Lord and give me strength.

02/11/10
Not Faith But Sight-The Sin of man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels. Matthew 16:27
I'm trying Lord. I know that this is only a moment. This world is only temporary and I should not worry. Whatever happens happens. I will have faith that the Lord will get me through this chaotic life.

After Christ 01/29-02/04/10

01/29/10
Glorious Responsibilities-If anyone serves Me, him my Father will honor. John 12:26
Lord you have given me the gifts of faith and evangelism. I will do all that I can to bring others to you that they may also have eternal life with you.

01/30/10
Living Stones-You also, as living stones, are being built up a spiritual house. 1 Peter 2:5
I am a work in progress. God is shaping me. I have all the tribulation to make me a stronger person. Experiences through life is what the Lord does to ready us for eternity. I understand this now. I will be strong. The Lord gives me strength.

01/31/10
Godly Thoughts-Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2
I used to have so much perversion in my life. Some unclean thoughts still trickle in but I am working on that. Temptation is all around me. I am still getting used to having the armor of God on. Overall, I am a changed woman. The old me is dead. Thank God!

02/01/10
A Glorious Opportunity-May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in His works. Psalm 104:31
I am trying to live for Christ. People around me ridicule, temp, and judge me to make my day difficult. I wish I could shut the world off so I can focus 100% on you Lord. These people around me will hopefully learn from me that you are the only way to salvation. I live for "planting seeds."

02/02/10
Always With Us-No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

Thank you Lord for being with me through the good and the bad times. I look back at past situations and realize now that you were there, you are always there. I am so grateful for your presence. You are the gracious almighty!

02/03/10
Above The Clouds-Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Psalm 16:5
It does seem that my life has had a cloud over if that never seems to go away. But now I know that the Lords light is constant. There is a silver lining. Everything will be okay. Blessed be to God.

02/04/10
Love Demonstrated-He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10
It is so easy to get wrapped up by worldly things, material possessions, or a person. We must remember that God is Love. I want to respond to His love by reading and following His Word and telling others about His love so that they may receive eternal love in heaven.

After Christ 01/22-28/10

01/22/10
Children of Light-You, brethren, are not in darkness...you are all sons of light. 1 Thessalonians 5:4-5
Life makes sense to me now since I have been re-born. I feel as if I were in a bad dream that I just woke up from. I can see the light.

01/23/10
Life After Death-For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
I used to believe in reincarnation. Now I believe that I will spend eternity in heaven with Jesus Christ. I am no longer in fear of death, death is just the beginning. Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love and grace so that I may spend eternity with you.

01/24/10
Because of Prayer-The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16
If everyone would believe and pray the problems of this temporary world would be alleviated. I pray that everyone could see what I see. I want everyone to have the peace and faith that I have.


01/25/10
Suffering and Success-Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy. James 1:2
It is difficult to remember that suffering should bring joy. The devil definitely dishes it out to me. I pray to you Lord that you keep me safe and to not allow Satan to take control of my body. I pray that I do not have cancer. I love you Lord my savior.

01/26/10
When Christ Comes-Abide in Him, that when He appears, we may...not be ashamed before Him at His coming. 1 John 2:28
Thank you Lord for saving me! If you do come tomorrow I am ready. If not, I will do my best to follow your path and try to lead others to you so that they may also have eternal life. Grace be to God!

01/27/10
Above the Din-Let this mind be in you which was also in Jesus Christ. Philippians 2:5
The world used to shape my mind. Now Christ is my center. I did not understand before I was saved. Now it is clear, this world is bad. Satan is everywhere. He wants us to fail. I will not let him get the better of me. Gods will is my will!

01/28/10
Borrowed Troubles-Let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds. Philippians 4:7
Lord, I give to you my breast surgery worries and the results of my uterine biopsy. You will take care of me. I give to you what I have, that's all I can do. I trust in you that you will do the rest. Whatever happens, I will be fine.

After Christ 01/15-21/10

01/15/10
Looking For Lasting Joy-May the God of hope fill you with all joy. Romans 15:13
Life before God was hopeless. It's like I woke up out of a fog, like I was knocked out and then came to. Now I  feel as though I have something worth living for. I look around at all the "stuff" out there and realize that it is all insignificant. I love you Lord.

01/16/10
Enjoying God's Presence-In Your presence is fullness of joy. Psalm 16:11
I know you are with me 24/7. Why do I feel sad? Is the devil doing his work in me causing me to be depressed? I am trying to give it all to you Lord. Everything seems so overwhelming at times. My focus is on you and becoming closer to you. Everything will be okay.

01/17/10
Serving Eternally-You have a better and an enduring possession for yourselves in heaven. Hebrews 10:34

To be able to do a task that suits my power, tastes, and abilities excites me. I just wish I knew what that task was on earth so I could practice before I get to heaven.

01/18/10
God's Presence-I will be with you always, to the very end of the age. Matthew 28:20
I do my best to be with God throughout my entire day. Although at times I get consumed by the evil of everyday life. I have to pray more for depression and anxiety to go away. With the Lord there is no reason to be sad. So why am I? Pray, pray, pray!

01/19/10
The Tug of God's Love-The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.  Romans 8:16
Before I found Christ I always said "I'll believe it when I see it." Now that my heart is open and the Holy Spirit is filling me with His blessings, I get it! I now understand why He died on the cross and when He ascended the Holy Spirit is here for all who believe. I believe Lord, I believe!

01/20/10
Rest For the Weary-Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.    Matthew 11:28
Thank you Lord for enabling me to be comforted and calm during all of the chaos that swarms me. I still get upset and sad but there is an overall peace around me. I know that with Jesus Christ guiding my path that everything will be okay.

01/21/10
Keep On Being Filled-Be filled with the Spirit. Ephesians 5:18
I try so hard to be filled. This ugly world keeps throwing things at me to try to make me weak. I am trying to keep filled.

After Christ 01/08-14/10

01/08/10
The Triumphs of Grace-I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions. Isaiah 43:25
I thank the Lord everyday for forgiving me. I have done many things I am not proud of. He has relieved me of carrying those burdens. Unfortunately I have sinned since I was saved. I'm trying Lord to flee from temptation. I am working on my boundaries to help with that issue. Help me Lord!

01/09/10
Set Free From Sin-In Him we have redemption through His blood. Ephesians 1:7
Thank you Lord. You gave your son to all of us undeserving souls. Yet despite all of our sins, you still love us unconditionally. I am grateful. I love You God!

01/10/10
Think Eternity-Seek first the kingdom of God. Matthew 6:33

Lord, I seek your kingdom every day. Now that I know and understand you, how could I not? When I leave this temporary place, I want to meet you, talk to you and be your friend as well as your daughter, Abba Daddy.

01/11/10
Faith Grows By Expression-You are the light of the world. Matthew 5:14
Dear Lord, I pray that your light shines through me so that others will see your works. I want to bring others to you. To do that I do it through you. You are my guide. Help me to tell non-believers about you. I pray their hearts will be open to receive you.

01/12/10
All For Jesus-We are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. 1 John 5:20
There are so many un-churched people in the world. Many don't even give a thought about what Jesus would do. I try to make good decisions. No one can be like Jesus, but we should do our best to be (act) as much like Jesus as possible.

01/13/10
God's Hand Of Blessing-Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above. James 1:17
Thank you Lord for giving your son for our sins. Everything I have is from you and I am so thankful. I pray that I remember your blessings everyday and not to be greedy or envious. May I give to others as you have given to me. Thank you for your works through Uncle Tim and Aunt Michele. They are showing me what it is to be a Christ follower. Glory be to God.

01/14/10
Christ Provides The Cure-If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17
The Lord is curing me minute by minute. He is my medicine. I am reborn and it is amazing. I was blind but now I see.

After Christ 01/01-07/10

01/01/10
In Tune With The Master-You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 12:7
Please dear Lord I pray that you guide me and help "tune" my life with your word. My life is so out of tune because I have loved apart from you for so long. I believe that when I found you that is when you stroke the tone "A" for me. Now my life is coming together. My cabin is echoing with joyful music! I love you Lord!

01/02/10
The Sun Still Shining-They looked...and behold, the glory of the Lord appeared in the cloud. Exodus 16:10.
Be with me Lord Jesus. There have been many "clouds" in my life. Just knowing you are there relaxes me. You have your plans for me. I pray for clarity so I may understand and know your will for me.

01/03/10
A Spring For The Soul-With You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light. Psalm 36:9

Daily I learn more about you. Each day I understand more. I pray that I will come to your steady, reliable, and unending peace. Christ you are my Savior. Lead me down the path towards everlasting life.

01/04/10
The Promise Is Ours-I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20
I feel I am in exile. Yet Lord you are here with me showing me the way. You have always been with me Lord. I am thankful that my heart was open to receive you. Glory be to God!

01/05/10
He Is Here To Help-Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Romans 8:35
You are my light. I catch myself feeling embraced by the devil in this temporary world. Then I break free and because of You I will be okay. You are my Father, my Abba, my Daddy. I am safe! I will not be afraid.

01/06/10
The Glory Of God-In my Father's house are many mansions...I go to prepare a place for you. John 14:2
I was afraid of death before, now I am not afraid. I am your child. When you are calling for me to come home I will be running to you with open arms. Don't shed tears, be happy with the Lord.

01/07/10
A Spirit Of Thankfulness-I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.
Philippians 4:12
Lord, thank you for all that you have blessed me with. I understand you have my path set for me. Whether I have a lot or little it does not matter. I have you and you provide me with what I need.

BC/AC

03/12/13
As I typed my old journal entries I can't help but be saddened at how lost I really was. I had no hope, I was disconnected. There are many years in between that I will be writing about soon to fill in the blanks, so this all will come together and make more sense for a book.

It is incredible how different my life is now that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I now want to add my journal entries that I wrote from a journal devotional called Hope for Each Day by Billy Graham. It was started in January of 2010, eight months after I accepted Christ. It shows the differences in my life between, what I call the Before Christ (BC) and After Christ (AC), journal entries.