Renewed Hope

Over the years
it's been in the back of my mind.
Over and over
as I lay there in bed.
Crying and tears gasping for air
as I ponder my life
is it really fair?
All the things I have been through
domestic violence, rape, exploitation,
anxiety, depression
only to name a few.
will I ever feel better
or is it how it will always be?
Feeling lost and alone
not a good feeling for me.
Staying under the covers
or laying there looking at the ceiling,
thinking of all the different ways to end it.
Thoughts of family and how they endure
if I did it.
My children are the only reason I didn't.
With medication and therapy I'm getting better.
Those racing thoughts of suicide are diminishing.
Instead of thoughts of me finishing,
The Lord has shown me life is worth living
that's how I can sit here and write this evening.
Still alive, loving life, renewed hope
in Christ.

32 GB

I had to go out and purchase a 32 GB flash drive for all of my documents and pictures that are being stored onto my computer. I had so much information stored on it that it was slowing it down. Then it occurred to me that this is exactly what my mind does when I write in my blog. My brain is my computer and my blog is my flash drive. All of the information that is in my head gets put into my blog.
My mind is like my computer, bogged down with so much information that it goes too slow. Like my flash drive, I have been downloading all my information into my blog. If I did not do this my mind would not function as well and eventually I would be waiting forever for the information to download. I would have to control-alt-delete my own mind!

Beaten

Man number one
ten years my senior.
Slammed against the fridge
with his hand around my throat.
Only 19 years old not seeing it coming.
I'm in a chair
he hovers above me
full body force on me
with his hand violently around my neck,
can't breathe, in fear.
Choked. Will I die today?
His cigarette put out on my hand
scarred for life
never forget.
Kicked and cracked rib
He loves me right? 

My bruised neck

Thrown into a bar
injured neck and back
then I fell and hit my head,
he comes in for the attack.
I regain consciousness only to see
the monster coming straight for me.
Beaten.
Man number two liked to scream in my face
drunker than drunk
walking on eggshells for ten years
not knowing my fate,

day after day, fear
I love you's and apologies but never believed
he would always start drinking and repeating his ways.
Beaten.
Man number three was not much better.
With his hand around my neck, slammed,
should I know better?
Head and neck sore and bruised
where did I lose my self?
Beaten