Renee's Book of Revelations 7.18.11

~You can't give to somebody something you don't have.
~My life could have been worse.
~Building relationships is a blessing, the Lord is surrounding me with an amazing church family. What an honor and a privilege!
~The Lord has protected me from many unimaginable tragedies.

I am mourning what should have been.

~The Lord has shown me what a "healthy" household is like. I so desperately wanted that kind of life and the Lord revealed to me that my life has been a lie. I was robbed of what life is truly supposed to be like. It is heartbreaking to see what I was robbed of. A beautiful home, the children happy in a safe environment, a husband and wife contently in love. A husband that protects and shows his sons how to love his wife and shows his daughter how her husband is to love her. He sets an example of love and respect to his family. First and foremost he loves Christ.

Satan ruled my dysfunctional home.

The contrast from my marriage is saddening. Satan ruled my dysfunctional home. Anger, fear, sexual immorality.infidelity, alcohol, drugs, hate, bitterness, resentment, no respect, violence and pornography.
The truth? I miss a lie. I am mourning what should have been. My life was a twisted lie from Satan. Without Christ nothing is possible. With Christ all things are possible.
The Lord will give back to me what was stolen.
~I believed the lie of once a whore always a whore and that no man would ever want me. I believed that I was a soiled dove. The Lord revealed to me that He delights in me. That I am His beloved. He loves me more than I can imagine. He is giving me back my self worth that has been completely depleted over my lifetime. He is showing me that there are good God-centered men that will love me for me not judge me for what I had become. I am a new creation in Christ and now I love myself.
~I miss my children.
~I need stability and consistency in my life.
~I am a good mother.
~It is a healthy normal to see this world through God's eyes. It is joyous to witness when a fellow new Christian "gets it."
~Bad in Bad out! Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out.
~Happiness is temporary fulfillment, joy is everlasting.
~I have been changed to bring change.
~I was absent in a situation in which I was forced to be present.
~Hurt people hurt people.
~Pornography set me off path, that's why I let so many people touch me. My boundary was broken at a very young age so I believed that it was normal for people to cross it. I was not told by my parents that it was not okay for someone to touch me. I had no protection. My boundaries have been engulfed and my identity became a porn star lost in the fiction of romance novels.
Lost, rejected, forgotten, broken.
~Isaiah 61.
~I can build healthy relationships, something that I haven't ever had in my life.
~I will not conform. I refuse to be lukewarm.
~I am a saint who sins not a sinner.
~He did not anoint me for me, he anointed me for others.
~Be a gate to release heaven and a doorway for others to receive.
~I am an introvert that doesn't get refueled often enough. If I don't have energy, how can I give. Learning this made me realize and understand why I get so angry or irritable so quickly. It is healthy to withdraw to a healthy point. It is okay to need space, I  do love being around people when I am full. When my tank is empty I get cranky! I am not mean, hateful, or bitchy, that was a lie I was believing. I'm just an occasionally empty introvert!
~Having extra responsibility confirms the confidence I new I already had yet denied in the lie I was believing.
I have been engulfed by the wrong belief system my whole life. My entire existence has been thinking that pornography and romance novels were okay. That was my identity. A romantic, submissive, porn star.
I have no clue who I really am! My identity was the sexual behavior that I saw in magazines and in novels reinforced by unhealthy men in my life. Leaving me vulnerable.
~Renee was lost! Where is she? When did she disappear? My weaknesses are not even my own if I wasn't even there this whole time. That would mean that my sexual promiscuity was never my weakness. The real Renee was guarded and surrounded by this lie. Renee was underneath the lie that did not want to be with all those people. She was the one screaming silently "why are you doing this" during every encounter. I am NOT one of those women in those magazines, novels and movies. Father God, thank you for clarity!
~...As your father did, so do you. One thing can cause you to lose your legacy forever....their eyes were fixed on their fathers idols.

He will be that in love

I will stand up against generational curses! I WILL BE THE ONE WHO BEGINS A NEW LEGACY IN MY FAMILY!
~Life flows out of us not into us.
~The world will stop for the man that God prepared for me when he first sees me. His life as he knows it will forever change. He will be that in love.
~Ichthus concert-I was transformed. I danced the way I wanted without expectations of sex acts from anyone. I was free to dance! Satan deceived me to believe dancing was sexual. What a horrible lie!
~I did not feel loved as a child so I went to others to find it. I would conform to whatever the person liked so they would love me. When they left me I would go on to another, and another and so on not knowing that God is the only one that can fill that void. In this whole process I lost myself and my likes. That explains why I am so indecisive. I would like everything all the people in my life liked and never have known my own interests because of trying to get others love and acceptance.
~The Lord is stripping me down to nothing. I am giving up my Isaac, my children. I am sacrificing my children to follow the Lords leading. I must obey.
~Remember to surrender completely to Him.

Noble Warrior for Christ.

The greatness of a person is direct proportion to their surrender.
Three words others used to describe me-Faith, Obedience, Sacrifice
Nobility?
What is Nobility-Respectful, worthy, honorable, holds within high standards of correctness, sincerity, integrity, truthfulness, humble, beloved.
My new name, my new identity...Noble Warrior for Christ.



Pamela Renee Schneider