Testimony for the Refuge For Women Ministry 8.2.11

Good morning,
First I would like to thank everyone for taking their time this morning to learn more about the Refuge For Women. Your time is very valuable and I thank you for coming. I am personally blessed by your presents.

Myself with Cindy from Refuge after my testimony

My name is Pamela Renee Schneider and I have been a resident at the Refuge For Women now since April 18, 2011. Before I move forward I would like to take you back in time to give you insight on how and why I came to the Refuge.

At the age of eight I found my fathers pornography in which opened a feeling that is only meant for marriage as the Lord designed. I also flipped through the sultry pages of my mothers romance novels. At such a young age, and with no protection from it, my belief system was that to be beautiful you do whats in the pages of the magazines, and a man was going to passionately save me as if living a romance novel. The combination of the two engulfed my boundaries and formed my new identity without me even knowing, a romantic porn star.

Boy after boy, man after man and still empty.

Eventually I became promiscuous, believing that if I conform to what they want, they will love me. But when they left, my self worth was left depleted. Boy after boy, man after man and still feeling empty. Not knowing that only Jesus can fill that void in my heart.

A man was going to passionately save me

I became pregnant at 17, married her father, divorced by 19. I was raped at 22 became pregnant as a result. I was thrown from a horse which resulted in a miscarriage, almost ending my life due to hemorrhaging while losing the baby.
I married my second husband. Shortly after having a son, out of desperation, I started dancing to pay the bills. By this time my engulfed belief system was so warped I saw nothing wrong with it. My husband was okay with it, he even showed me how to dance. I eventually started purchasing drugs and alcohol for my husband with my dancing money and eventually started using as well. I danced for two years. After 10 years of marriage and now a total of three children in the marriage we divorced. I thought I was worthless. My self esteem was so depleted he got everything, including the children.

I was desperate. All I had was my van and some clothes so I drove myself to the club and started to dance again after being out of the industry for eight years. I ended up staying at my mothers to avoid moving to a shelter. I was scared. While at the club a man called me over and handed me a letter and told me that he felt led to give it to me. I glanced it over and put it aside. I forgot all about it yet for some reason I kept it and stuck it in a storage bin of papers. I would like to share it with you now...

My Precious Daughter,
Do not think that I have not heard your plea. I have been with you through it all. I know your heart and your desires.

The time has not been right for me to complete my plans for you. Many obstacles had to be removed to set you free.
But now the time has come and you will be the new person you have longed for. The emotional pain will lift never to stifle you again. Your soul will soar like an eagle and your burdens will melt away.
I have watched and waited for this day my child. Do not let guilt cripple you any longer. Accept my love and forgiveness and forgive yourself. It is time to move ahead.
Love,
Your friend Jesus

About one year later, I was no longer dancing or prostituting yet I was struggling to get food and rent money.
My brother sent me some food from his church so I felt guilty and attended. After a few weeks, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Little did I know what the Lord could do to my life.

While at church I saw a woman I worked with in the club. The Lord told me to say hello. I hesitated but obeyed. She in turn introduced me to the founder from the Free2BMe Project. I started hanging out with her. She helped me and encouraged me to not go back into the industry. I attended a Missions 11 Nazarene conference with her and the Refuge for Women booth was cat-a corner to the Free2BMe booth. I felt prompted to go. Pastor Steve from Lifeline Ministries also prophesied over me that I would get a new name in which I was unsure about what that meant. I prayed over it and two months later I was the 7th woman to join the Refuge. All the beds were full in the house for the first time.

I was welcomed with open arms and smiling faces and felt comfortable immediately. I had no idea what I was in store for but I knew if the Lord wanted me there it would be for the good. My 90 day commitment commenced.
There were many ups and downs, challenges, and healing tears and then my 90 day crossroads was near. I had to make a decision, stay or go. I was scared and unsure. I sat in my room and started to write. I laid my journal down when I was finished not even looking at what I wrote. I heard that small voice say "read it" as I was getting up. I hesitated and heard it again so I laid back down and read it...

Renee,
You will be okay. Don't worry. I am taking care of everything. Everything is happening to you for a reason. I can see everything, remember that.
I am taking care of Ashley, Jacob, Sydney, and Joshua.You need to heal before I can return them to you.
You have to see and understand what has happened to you before you can take care of them. Don't worry about them. Take care of yourself. Focus on me and I will guide you and bless you.
You need to know that what happened to you was not your fault. I am revealing to you what happened but not all at once. It is going to be very painful. I am still preparing you.
Stay where you are. You are safe and loved. Unlike your family, the people I am bringing to you sincerely love and understand your situation. They want whats best for you.
Your family will not understand why you are not going back but the kids will. They are so much stronger and resilient than you know. They are filled with my Holy Spirit. They are future warriors as well. They will follow you. I am growing you into the strong, understanding, loving, independent, Christ centered warrior you need to be for them.
Until I have shown you everything, and your self-confidence is where I need it to be, I will protect the kids for you.
You are a strong woman Renee. Just know that you did not go through everything for nothing. You will help others and teach them the things that come second nature to you. It will be with purpose. You will lead and guide many. You will be loved, respected, and looked up to by all that love you.
Focus on listening to me. Be still. I am telling you that I love you and you are beautiful. I made you just like you for a reason. You are the only one of you I have so take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, and enjoy everyday as I give it to you.
Take it all in. I will bring you the kids when your ready. Rejoice and be glad.
                                                                                                                            I Love You, Your Father

The Lord had given me the answer I prayed for. Until He releases me, as hard as it is to be away from my children, I must stay.

I wrote journals my entire time at the Refuge and I compiled my 90 days worth of revelations. I pray this will help you to see what the Refuge has done so far in my healing process. By being still, away form the chaos of my life I wrote what I titled Renee's Book of Revelations...

~You can't give to somebody something you don't have.
~My life could have been worse.
~Building relationships is a blessing, the Lord is surrounding me with an amazing church family. What an honor and a privilege!
~The Lord has protected me from many unimaginable tragedies.

I am mourning what should have been.

~The Lord has shown me what a "healthy" household is like. I so desperately wanted that kind of life and the Lord revealed to me that my life has been a lie. I was robbed of what life is truly supposed to be like. It is heartbreaking to see what I was robbed of. A beautiful home, the children happy in a safe environment, a husband and wife contently in love. A husband that protects and shows his sons how to love his wife and shows his daughter how her husband is to love her. He sets an example of love and respect to his family. First and foremost he loves Christ.

Satan ruled my dysfunctional home.

The contrast from my marriage is saddening. Satan ruled my dysfunctional home. Anger, fear, sexual immorality.infidelity, alcohol, drugs, hate, bitterness, resentment, no respect, violence and pornography.
The truth? I miss a lie. I am mourning what should have been. My life was a twisted lie from Satan. Without Christ nothing is possible. With Christ all things are possible.
The Lord will give back to me what was stolen.
~I believed the lie of once a whore always a whore and that no man would ever want me. I believed that I was a soiled dove. The Lord revealed to me that He delights in me. That I am His beloved. He loves me more than I can imagine. He is giving me back my self worth that has been completely depleted over my lifetime. He is showing me that there are good God-centered men that will love me for me not judge me for what I had become. I am a new creation in Christ and now I love myself.
~I miss my children.
~I need stability and consistency in my life.
~I am a good mother.
~It is a healthy normal to see this world through God's eyes. It is joyous to witness when a fellow new Christian "gets it."
~Bad in Bad out! Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out.
~Happiness is temporary fulfillment, joy is everlasting.
~I have been changed to bring change.
~I was absent in a situation in which I was forced to be present.
~Hurt people hurt people.
~Pornography set me off path, that's why I let so many people touch me. My boundary was broken at a very young age so I believed that it was normal for people to cross it. I was not told by my parents that it was not okay for someone to touch me. I had no protection. My boundaries have been engulfed and my identity became a porn star lost in the fiction of romance novels.
Lost, rejected, forgotten, broken.
~Isaiah 61.
~I can build healthy relationships, something that I haven't ever had in my life.
~I will not conform. I refuse to be lukewarm.
~I am a saint who sins not a sinner.
~He did not anoint me for me, he anointed me for others.
~Be a gate to release heaven and a doorway for others to receive.
~I am an introvert that doesn't get refueled often enough. If I don't have energy, how can I give. Learning this made me realize and understand why I get so angry or irritable so quickly. It is healthy to withdraw to a healthy point. It is okay to need space, I  do love being around people when I am full. When my tank is empty I get cranky! I am not mean, hateful, or bitchy, that was a lie I was believing. I'm just an occasionally empty introvert!
~Having extra responsibility confirms the confidence I new I already had yet denied in the lie I was believing.
I have been engulfed by the wrong belief system my whole life. My entire existence has been thinking that pornography and romance novels were okay. That was my identity. A romantic, submissive, porn star.
I have no clue who I really am! My identity was the sexual behavior that I saw in magazines and in novels reinforced by unhealthy men in my life. Leaving me vulnerable.
~Renee was lost! Where is she? When did she disappear? My weaknesses are not even my own if I wasn't even there this whole time. That would mean that my sexual promiscuity was never my weakness. The real Renee was guarded and surrounded by this lie. Renee was underneath the lie that did not want to be with all those people. She was the one screaming silently "why are you doing this" during every encounter. I am NOT one of those women in those magazines, novels and movies. Father God, thank you for clarity!
~...As your father did, so do you. One thing can cause you to lose your legacy forever....their eyes were fixed on their fathers idols.

He will be that in love

I will stand up against generational curses! I WILL BE THE ONE WHO BEGINS A NEW LEGACY IN MY FAMILY!
~Life flows out of us not into us.
~The world will stop for the man that God prepared for me when he first sees me. His life as he knows it will forever change. He will be that in love.
~Ichthus concert-I was transformed. I danced the way I wanted without expectations of sex acts from anyone. I was free to dance! Satan deceived me to believe dancing was sexual. What a horrible lie!
~I did not feel loved as a child so I went to others to find it. I would conform to whatever the person liked so they would love me. When they left me I would go on to another, and another and so on not knowing that God is the only one that can fill that void. In this whole process I lost myself and my likes. That explains why I am so indecisive. I would like everything all the people in my life liked and never have known my own interests because of trying to get others love and acceptance.
~The Lord is stripping me down to nothing. I am giving up my Isaac, my children. I am sacrificing my children to follow the Lords leading. I must obey.
~Remember to surrender completely to Him.

Noble Warrior for Christ.

The greatness of a person is direct proportion to their surrender.
Three words others used to describe me-Faith, Obedience, Sacrifice
Nobility?
What is Nobility-Respectful, worthy, honorable, holds within high standards of correctness, sincerity, integrity, truthfulness, humble, beloved.
My new name, my new identity...Noble Warrior for Christ.

The Lord is amazing. Within 90 days at the Refuge, the Lord revealed to me that I have been transformed from what I saw as a worthless whore into my prophesied new name. I now wear my armor of God and am ready for battle. Not as a worthless whore but as a Noble Warrior for Christ.