Time

Time. I have so much of it, everybody does. It is what you do with that time that matters. I wish I could spend my time differently but it is what it is. Unfortunately I am disabled and in pain a majority of my day so it is hard to do many things that I really enjoy. The discomfort of this pain I endure is what I often describe as feeling like rigor mortis is setting in. My whole body tenses up and is debilitating to try to do my favorite things and just the basics. I try my best with and without pain medication. In combination with mental illness it gets to be overwhelming to even know what to do with my time. I get out on walks on my better days and hang out with my friends whenever the schedules are synchronized. I spend a lot of my time writing to keep my mind busy. I am now waiting until it's time for my neck surgery that will take some time for recovery. All my days and hours seem to get smeared and twisted together in a monotonous way that it feels like it is just one long day. Having no division between days hours and minutes makes time go by so slowly. I would love to fill my days differently and hopefully soon I will. My days are pleasant and I do keep my self busy fostering dogs and volunteering with my church in a clothing ministry as to which I really enjoy. Time will only tell what my future holds and what I do with my time is set only by me. I want to use my time wisely as to not waste any because although we have a lot of time we really don't know when our time is up.~Renee

Recent Blessings

 First Photo Shoot

The past few days have been very good. I was able to do my first volunteer photo shoot at a veterans art exhibit. I love taking photographs and it was an excellent opportunity to network with some great artists.
I went to a neurologist and my EMG results were negative in which I am very grateful for. I was told the severity of my neck injury and that I would definitely need surgery. I am scared to go under the knife yet I am excited to get the strength back in my arms and neck and for the years of pain to finally be gone.
My dad had a furnace installed into my apartment to give me a consistent heat source, I am forever grateful. Maybe now I can get a pet bird. lol
Even though many days I am extremely depressed and anxious I need to stop and pay attention to the blessings I have received.

My Blog

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." -Unknown

Many people have read my blog and have given me their opinions on it. My writings are just that...writings. Some are journal entries some are just off the top of my head, like what I am writing right now. Some people like what I have to say and others say that I say too much but to me it is what I do, I write. Sometimes what I write makes sense, sometimes it does not. Sometimes I am in a terrible mood when I am writing and sometimes I am feeling good.
Certain people in my life don't like me blogging at all but that is okay. That person has the right to their opinion. I'll admit that a lot of my writings are depressing but that all my writings are how I did feel or am feeling. No sugar coating anything, just me expressing my emotions, hard core stuff that most people don't share. People always pretend that everything is okay, that nothing is wrong. They hide their truths. I am tired of doing that and I reveal my truths through this blog and I enjoy it.
Maybe someday I will get it put together into a book. Maybe.
If I offend you, sorry if I can bring a smile to your face, that's great. However my blog makes you feel, I hope you will understand why I do what I do. It helps me get a lot of the junk inside me out, so I can heal and move foreword. God bless and happy reading! : ) ~Renee

Pain

Severe depression, overwhelming.
When will it go away or is it here to stay?
I want to feel normal, to be happy.
Extreme anxiety.
Is it just in my head?
Am I crazy?
What is mental illness?
I don't want it. I did not ask for this.
I just want to have a normal healthy whole life.
I want to share my life with someone that loves me for me.
Even with all this junk that is wrong with me.
I am happy sometimes.
Some days are better than others.
Mental and physical pain.
Suffer.
Deeply.

Just A Phone Call.

This is just another typical day. I wake up I eat some cereal, I make coffee I drink coffee. Depending on what I have to do or how I am feeling I take a shower. I then get dressed. Then I sit then pace hoping something happens. I end up waiting for phone calls that usually never come. The calls from people that want to go and do something. I'm not saying that it never happens. It usually doesn't when I need something to do to make the loneliness or boredom go away. I have many medical and financial issues that keep me from doing the things I like so that is probably why I don't get the calls. Distance from some people are also a factor but phone calls would be great. Sometimes that's what I feel like I do all day is wait for phone calls from people. I know I shouldn't wait but that's what I end up doing usually because I have nothing else to do. Yes I do my dishes, sweep and mop the floors, dust the shelves, go on walks and the occasional hang with my close female friend but it doesn't make the loneliness go away. I just wish I had someone with me that wants to do everything with me, or even just a phone call.