Ground to Empty

I was sitting with my friend in her living room and we started discussing my past. I mentioned to her that I had danced for five years and she said that she couldn't ever see me as a stripper. I told her that of all the jobs I have had over the years I really excelled as an exotic dancer. I was good at it but unfortunately now there is a five year gap in my resume'. I wasn't at all talented in the beginning but over time I got better. Desperate for money I became Passionate Peyton, the top money maker on day shift for an all nude club I worked for in Oregon, Ohio. I was also top money maker at a go-go bar called Papa's Pole Paradise in Whitehouse, Ohio where I ended my dancing career when I almost received an undeserving prostitution charge. I began at DejaVu with the stage name Lily in Toledo and then moved over to Scarlet's Cabaret also in Toledo where I changed my name to Peyton. By then I was no longer a delicate flower and felt undeserving of such a beautiful name. I danced in a club on the East side of Toledo all the way up to two clubs in Detroit. Once upon a time I also danced in three different clubs while I lived in Florida. Many men came to see me including my family doctor, Doctor Rai from his practice in Elmore, Ohio. Dance after dance, every three minutes another dance times seven days a week times five years. That is a lot of dances, not including the dances that I did on stage. No wonder my body hurts so bad now, all of that dancing has taken its toll on me physically.
I described to her a typical three minute lap dance. I apologize now for what I am about to write it is somewhat graphic, but real.


The man was in seated position on a couch in a small secluded room with curtains that I closed, I would lean over him and seductively slide over and breathe down his neck and in his ear. I sat on his lap facing him and began to slowly sway my hips back and forth to the rhythm of whatever song the girl on stage chose to dance to. I would continue gently breathing on his neck and in his ear in attempt to get him so aroused that he would get another dance. Sometimes I would turn around with my back to him and continue to grind. I would lean forward with my hands on the floor and press myself into him. I would then turn back around and put my arms around his neck and press my breasts into his face. I would not let the men touch me with their hands or lick me and I would not do that to them. That would be an immediate stop to the dance. As the song came to an end I would pick up the pace and depth of the swaying motion until the man was about to orgasm, then I would stop and the music would change. If they wanted another dance I would slowly start the whole cycle again, teasing and grinding not knowing that I was slowly grinding away at my self worth.

Pieces of my self worth were chipping away with every dance. My emotions are so ground down that I have shut off my sense of feeling. I have put up a wall that I have no idea how to tear down. I reflect back to my dancing days a realize now how badly all those dances were affecting me. All that grinding and dancing has made me numb. Numb to any kind of love in any future relationship I may have. Almost like the only time I do feel is when I am grinding on some man and that is such a warped sense of feeling.
I pray that I can learn how to feel again. Love like a person should really love. I feel that now my chances of that are almost diminished. If I did the math on how many dances I have done over those five years and turned it into a story problem the answer would be zero, nothing left, empty.
I know that my Lord will restore what was stolen and that I am worth more than rubies but I wish I new how to feel my worth. How to feel that love and compassion that should be there. I don't want to feel cold anymore. I don't want to feel robotic when I am with a man or that I have to perform as Peyton. I want to be Renee again, not both. How do I put Peyton away when she is part of me, or can I?
I have been both Peyton the stripper/prostitute and Renee for so long, how do I make this change? Lord help me, I have been ground to empty.