Time

Time. I have so much of it, everybody does. It is what you do with that time that matters. I wish I could spend my time differently but it is what it is. Unfortunately I am disabled and in pain a majority of my day so it is hard to do many things that I really enjoy. The discomfort of this pain I endure is what I often describe as feeling like rigor mortis is setting in. My whole body tenses up and is debilitating to try to do my favorite things and just the basics. I try my best with and without pain medication. In combination with mental illness it gets to be overwhelming to even know what to do with my time. I get out on walks on my better days and hang out with my friends whenever the schedules are synchronized. I spend a lot of my time writing to keep my mind busy. I am now waiting until it's time for my neck surgery that will take some time for recovery. All my days and hours seem to get smeared and twisted together in a monotonous way that it feels like it is just one long day. Having no division between days hours and minutes makes time go by so slowly. I would love to fill my days differently and hopefully soon I will. My days are pleasant and I do keep my self busy fostering dogs and volunteering with my church in a clothing ministry as to which I really enjoy. Time will only tell what my future holds and what I do with my time is set only by me. I want to use my time wisely as to not waste any because although we have a lot of time we really don't know when our time is up.~Renee

Recent Blessings

 First Photo Shoot

The past few days have been very good. I was able to do my first volunteer photo shoot at a veterans art exhibit. I love taking photographs and it was an excellent opportunity to network with some great artists.
I went to a neurologist and my EMG results were negative in which I am very grateful for. I was told the severity of my neck injury and that I would definitely need surgery. I am scared to go under the knife yet I am excited to get the strength back in my arms and neck and for the years of pain to finally be gone.
My dad had a furnace installed into my apartment to give me a consistent heat source, I am forever grateful. Maybe now I can get a pet bird. lol
Even though many days I am extremely depressed and anxious I need to stop and pay attention to the blessings I have received.

My Blog

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." -Unknown

Many people have read my blog and have given me their opinions on it. My writings are just that...writings. Some are journal entries some are just off the top of my head, like what I am writing right now. Some people like what I have to say and others say that I say too much but to me it is what I do, I write. Sometimes what I write makes sense, sometimes it does not. Sometimes I am in a terrible mood when I am writing and sometimes I am feeling good.
Certain people in my life don't like me blogging at all but that is okay. That person has the right to their opinion. I'll admit that a lot of my writings are depressing but that all my writings are how I did feel or am feeling. No sugar coating anything, just me expressing my emotions, hard core stuff that most people don't share. People always pretend that everything is okay, that nothing is wrong. They hide their truths. I am tired of doing that and I reveal my truths through this blog and I enjoy it.
Maybe someday I will get it put together into a book. Maybe.
If I offend you, sorry if I can bring a smile to your face, that's great. However my blog makes you feel, I hope you will understand why I do what I do. It helps me get a lot of the junk inside me out, so I can heal and move foreword. God bless and happy reading! : ) ~Renee

Pain

Severe depression, overwhelming.
When will it go away or is it here to stay?
I want to feel normal, to be happy.
Extreme anxiety.
Is it just in my head?
Am I crazy?
What is mental illness?
I don't want it. I did not ask for this.
I just want to have a normal healthy whole life.
I want to share my life with someone that loves me for me.
Even with all this junk that is wrong with me.
I am happy sometimes.
Some days are better than others.
Mental and physical pain.
Suffer.
Deeply.

Just A Phone Call.

This is just another typical day. I wake up I eat some cereal, I make coffee I drink coffee. Depending on what I have to do or how I am feeling I take a shower. I then get dressed. Then I sit then pace hoping something happens. I end up waiting for phone calls that usually never come. The calls from people that want to go and do something. I'm not saying that it never happens. It usually doesn't when I need something to do to make the loneliness or boredom go away. I have many medical and financial issues that keep me from doing the things I like so that is probably why I don't get the calls. Distance from some people are also a factor but phone calls would be great. Sometimes that's what I feel like I do all day is wait for phone calls from people. I know I shouldn't wait but that's what I end up doing usually because I have nothing else to do. Yes I do my dishes, sweep and mop the floors, dust the shelves, go on walks and the occasional hang with my close female friend but it doesn't make the loneliness go away. I just wish I had someone with me that wants to do everything with me, or even just a phone call.

Lonely

Lonely.
Silence.
No one around.
Crisp air.
Dark skies.
Rain.
Cold.
Anxious.
Isolation.
Disconnected.
No companion.
Sad.
Alone.
Lonely.

The Proverbial Teeter Totter

I am alone a majority of the time which is okay, in my opinion, for someone that is an introvert. I was alone in a public place with many people tonight and it was all I could do to make it through the hour. Now that I am in my safe place I can unwind and process my day. Alone. It is okay to be alone if I have a healthy balance but I am wondering if I am teetering on the side of isolation. I need to get out more.

Maybe I am lonely. Is that what happens when you isolate yourself to the point of being unhealthy? At what point does alone turn into lonely and why is it that I can be around people and still feel lonely? My guess is that I had been hanging around the wrong person. I have to make better choices and make sure I choose to be around people that encourage a healthy balance not isolation.
I thrive in one-on-one environments. When I go into group settings the anxiety I feel over powers my thoughts and that's when I start feeling like I need to be alone. Then I start to isolate myself and the loneliness starts to develop.
When I am around certain people I feel safe and I am fulfilled yet others tear me down to my core. I need to focus more on a healthy balance so I can be centered between the two sides of the proverbial teeter-totter of alone and lonely. ~Renee

Reciprocal Friendship and Love

A life of adventure with someone that reciprocates the friendship and love that I am capable of giving is what my heart and soul desires. How hard can that type of love be to find? I am guessing not hard at all, after all it may be right in front of me. Whether that love is traveling across the country or sitting on the couch sipping on a glass of Napa Valley wine, just being with that special someone makes it an adventure.
I have lived my life so far feeling trapped, trapped and secluded, isolated, stuck in the muck of what some people say is normal living. I want and am hoping for more, more excitement, more thrilling places, more opportunity. Yes, I have to be content where I am but what happens when that contentment turns into utter stagnant unhappiness. I want to be happy, happy with someone that shares the same dreams as I. It can't be too much to ask.

If I want happiness I am learning that I have to just go for it. Get out of this humdrum, mundane comfort zone I am in. If it means I have to move on to bigger and better opportunities then that is what I have to do. I should not have to tolerate unhappiness. So what am I waiting for. Now...nothing. I am not going to sit around and wait until happiness finds me because it may never happen. I am going to get ready in order to be ready for that life of adventure with someone that reciprocates the friendship and love that I am capable of giving.~Renee

"Change is inevitable, growth is intentional." -Unknown

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships. My relationships with family, friends and God. I have been distant to all three in the past few years but have recently been getting back on track. Some of my relationships are getting closer yet some are fading away, that chapter is slowly closing, and that is okay. If that is the way it is supposed to be I am at peace with that. There are some relationships that are regaining momentum and I am very excited to be on the ride. I have also been getting closer in fellowship with God.
Due to the bad relationships my focus had been blurred but thankfully I am back on path.
It amazes me how different each relationship is with each individual I know. Certain people bring me such joy to get close to. They encourage me, inspire me, help me to see how beautiful I truly am. My self worth has been so bad over the years that it feels good that certain people see what I needed to see years ago. Their intentions are pure. That makes me feel at peace. I have had such bad relationships over the years that it is nice to have such good people in my life. Finally, I believe my choices are getting better.

As Hans F. Hansen says "People inspire you or they drain you-pick them wisely." This is so true. I am doing my best to be around positive people that inspire me. After being around certain people for way too long, isolated from even my own self, I am longing to be around those certain people that inspire me. Thankfully those people have been put into my path,especially one that I thought may be fading away due to prior isolation from a bad relationship.
Change is inevitable. People will come and go throughout a lifetime, yet growth is intentional. I will choose to make good choices in the people I let into my life. My hope has been restored. My faith growing ever stronger, my heart becoming softer. I will guard my heart yet enjoy every second of the time we can spend together.~Renee

Order

 May 22, 2013

Our God is a God of order. That is what I am told. I sit here and think about the things he was doing in my life that seemed out of order, were not out of order at all. I went off path and did not even realize. My life had to be the way it has been in order for me to see how the Lord is actually putting everything back in place.
I was subjected to pornography at a young age. Pornographic films, porn magazines and romance novels were grooming tools. Watching, viewing and reading repeatedly made me become hardened. That is how I learned what was expected of me, corrupting the teaching technique of "translating image to action." I learned that those images and ideas were what boys wanted. Being only seven when finding the pornography and learning this behavior I was susceptible to the more deviant boys as I got older. My sustained exposure had long-standing effects and created a skewed sense of what was normal.
In my adolescent years is when the behaviors I had seen and read developed into action. I look back and realize that most of what I called boys were actually men that wanted to "date" me. I put date in quotations because as I reflect they did not want to date me at all they wanted only sex from me. With my disturbed view of what a relationship was they got what they wanted most of the time. While they wanted sex I was wanting the night in shining armor that I read about in the combination of fairytale children's books and adult pornographic romance novels. These "boys" did not want to "date" me, I was their prey.
By the time I turned 17 I became pregnant by a man that was 21 whom in which introduced me to marijuana. I had already learned about alcohol by the "boys" I had previously encountered. I married the man who I became pregnant with. I had a beautiful baby girl whom which I instantly fell in love. I cannot say that was the case with her father. I was very unhappy and that marriage ended two years later.
I experienced an attempted rape and in another incident they were successful in which tore my trust in men apart. I had more bad relationships that became physically violent and were extremely unhealthy, that's when I met my second husband. We could not afford our bad habits so I became an exotic dancer and he became my pimp. We had three beautiful children together and after 10 years that mess was over. I have been divorced now for eight years.

Praise the Lord that He is a God of order. Four years after my divorce I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I have been diagnosed with mental illness and have chronic neck and back pain due to an injury from a past relationship with an abusive man that was 10 years my senior. Years later I am now getting the help I need from some amazing doctors.
I have been working as a Chaplain with a ministry helping the homeless and am on the Disaster Action Team with the Red Cross helping those in need after a disaster. I just started a house of refuge for small dogs in need of a foster home until their forever homes are found. I now have insurance and am waiting to get some help with a career and my income.
I have a wonderful apartment that is giving me the stability and consistency I so needed. Before I moved here I have moved on average 1.2 times per year. I have come full circle and live only one block away from the home where my parents brought me home from the hospital.
Our God is a God of order. That is what I am told. If I had not gone through everything I had gone through I would not be doing, through Christ, what I am doing today.
I thank the Lord for the bad things because now I have the knowledge, wisdom and insight to heal from my past as well as tell and teach others from my experiences. Praise God for everything.

In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free. Psalm 118:5

Pamela Renee Schneider

The Consequence

It was a beautiful spring morning back in April of 2001. I had just finished training for a local banking company and was due to go into work for my first day at a new branch. My desire was to continue to be a stay at home mom but our new house and my husbands income was not enough. He was not willing to get a second job, so I decided to get a part time job and dancing again was not an option at this point. My husband (now divorced) was working second shift at a local machine shop.

Unfortunately he decided this one particular evening in April to not come home all night. He stayed out drinking and doing drugs instead of coming home. This of course was not the first time this had occurred. There were many times we would argue over this issue. With his past of infidelity it made it especially hard on me. I would always have to tell the children that daddy was at work when he was really out partying.

I had to be to work this particular April day but when it came time for me to leave for work he was nowhere to be found. At that time I had my nine year old daughter, my almost four year old son and my four month old daughter home with me so I could not leave until he decided to come home. It was my first day at the new branch, I had to call and tell them that I was behind schedule and that I would be in as soon as I could.

He finally showed up and I darted off to work as to not get fired on my first day. Not only was I nervous about starting a new job and meeting new people, I was now worried that I was late and very upset at my husband for, once again, not coming home all night.

Everything went okay at work that day. They did not say anything yet I did explain to them why I was late. I was embarrassed and humiliated that I had to talk to them about my personal issues on my first day. I could only imagine what they were thinking. I worked my half day and proceeded to drive home. I was livid at this point having been lied to by my husband then having to explain to my boss what my situation was. I was anxious to get home and hear his explanation as to his whereabouts the previous evening.

I pulled into the driveway and walked into the house. My nine year old was at school, my four month old was laying on the living room floor with her father sleeping. My husband had been up all night drinking using drugs and God only knows what else and now he is sleeping when he is supposed to be caring for our children. Now I was even more furious. The house was dark, all the blinds were still down and it is one o'clock in the afternoon. I was so angry at him! Now at this point I am wondering where my 31/2 year old son is. Jacob was not in my sight and my husband and daughter lay sleeping on the living room floor. I thought to myself where is Jacob, maybe he is in his room sleeping and why is Ken not watching him.

I proceeded to go into the bedroom and pulled up the blinds to get some light on the room in order to wake up my husband. I was so upset by this point. I looked out the window and stared out to the alley that ran next to our house. What I saw next was something that my mind could not comprehend. I saw my sons little

Buzz Lightyear shoes underneath a van. I thought to myself...that's weird...why are Jacobs shoes underneath that van in the alley. Then I saw my neighbor as white as a ghost running towards the far side of the van where I could not see. That is when I realized what had occurred. Jacob was struck by the van.

I screamed and went running frantically through the house to get to the back door which led to the alley. I was screaming for my husband to wake up. Screaming Jacobs been hit, Oh my God, wake up, Jacobs been hit! After seeing my neighbors face as white as a ghost I did not know what to expect. I was scared to run around to the other side of the van, fearful of the condition Jacob was in. Was he alive? Oh my God. I cannot describe in words or without tears thinking how afraid I was that he may possibly be dead.

I ran around the van and my neighbors were kneeling down looking under the van. I was terrified. I knelt down to look under the van and there was Jacob covered in blood from head to toe. My heart felt as if it stopped from fear. Jacob looked at me and was crawling out from underneath the van toward me. Thank you God he is alive. He is alive. I took him and laid him down next to the van not knowing how he was injured. I told Ken not to move him because he may have back or neck injuries, he disregarded my advice and picked him up and placed him inside our van lying him down to try to assess him. I ran into the house and dialed 911. I was so frantic that the operator could not understand me so I had to pull myself together in order to get the help he needed.

I calmed down and told the operator that my son was hit by a van. Help was on it's way. I called my mother to tell her what was going on and to see if she could help with my baby and to get my 9 year old from school. I ran back out, as I pulled my emotions together, to be by Jacobs side. The ambulance arrived, my husband jumped in with him, and Jacob was shuttled off to the hospital. I arrived shortly after he did.

We all stood in a circle and the hospital Chaplain prayed for mercy over him. I felt uncomfortable because we were not used to praying but at that moment I was praying too for his life. I waited to hear how he was and to see him. The doctor finally came out and told me that after all the test that the blood from head to toe was from road rash from rolling between the two front tires of the van to the center of the vehicle. He ended up with scrapes, bruises and a hairline fracture on his ankle. He was going to be okay. There was no internal injuries. I thanked God and cried to myself in relief.

My son is turning 17 years old this year. For years this incident had played over and over in my mind. The blood, the look in his eyes when he crawled to me from underneath that van, not knowing if he was alive or dead in those few moments of a mothers pure panic haunted me. The anger towards my now ex-husband for being so irresponsible that beautiful spring day back in April of 2001 was building and building. I never told anyone what my husband had done that lead up to my sons accident that day in fear of his actions reflecting on me. For years I have been holding his secret. I am not holding onto his secret anymore. It is time that everyone knows the truth about why Jacob got hit that day.

If he would have been watching Jacob like he was supposed to, he would not have been across the alley that day. Jacob told me that he was playing and saw me come home from my new job at the bank, he was so excited that I was home that he ran across the alley to come see me and give me a hug and kiss. He didn't make it that afternoon because his dad was not watching him. He chose to stay gone again all night the night before, the consequence for his decision that night trickled down to his own son almost being killed that beautiful spring day back in 2001.

The message for you Ken is that I forgive you. Jacob was covered by the blood of Jesus that day. This is your consequence that you have to forgive yourself for. It is not my secret to carry anymore, I am giving it back to you. Carry your own cross.


Jacob, I love you more than you could ever know. As far as that hug and kiss that you ran across that alley for, know that I am here for you always. Your my little bear and I thank God you are alive every day. I love you my son and am so proud of who you have become, an amazing young man.



Pamela Renee Schneider

Peyton's Birth

I remember the desperation of not being able to pay bills and rent and being worried that we would either be homeless or have to live with a family member. I was 25 and had just given birth to a son and my daughter was only seven. I was married in April of 1995; it was our first year of marriage and we were broke. My husband was asked to leave the Navy due to his drinking habits and was struggling to find employment. He finally found a job at a machine shop. It was never quite enough to support all of our needs including his alcohol and drugs.
I told him that with our finances the way they were that he would have to get another job. I was a stay at home mom since I had just given birth and was still breast feeding. He refused to seek more employment so I suggested that I become a dancer to make ends meet. At first he was against it then he decided that it would be what I had to do. He taught me a few moves on our bed and decided I could do an amateur contest at one of the local clubs.
My younger cousin went with us (to this day I am not sure why or if she was even over 21). We went out to a bar in order for me to get intoxicated before we went in so I could bring up the nerve to do it. I was so scared and nervous. I had never been naked in front of  people before especially with my husband and cousin watching. I was not only nervous about taking off my clothes in front of everyone, I was also afraid that my breast milk would start leaking all over the place.
We went into the club and I had brought with me some skimpy outfit to wear. I didn't have a pair of those really high heels that all the other girls wore so I brought a pair of two inch heels from my closet. I was so nervous, but I wasn't sure why, I had been in a club before with my brother-in-law, husband (boyfriend at the time) and his Navy friends while he was stationed in Florida. After we were married we would go into a club together and get dances. By this point I was detached and desensitized by seeing porn magazines by age seven.
I proceeded to be directed by an employee to the dressing room. As I walked back there were naked women everywhere. Men were sitting around the stage putting money in the women's garter belts. They were naked and dancing in booths all along the side wall. There was no wall or curtain to keep everyone from seeing their naked bodies dancing in rhythm to the music.
I pretended that I wasn't scared, like I had done this before. I'm sure all the women new that  I was new just by looking at me and the outfit I had picked out. No one talked to me. They were all in the dressing room putting on really thick makeup and prepping there hair to make it look perfect. I was used to no make-up and a ponytail. They had to know I was there for the amateur contest.

We all lined up in the dressing room waiting our turn to go onto the stage. The manager walked up to the girls in line and asked them what music we wanted to dance to. I had no idea what to dance to so I picked Pearl Jam because that was my husbands favorite music. They also asked me what my stage name was and I was once again unprepared. Poison Ivy was the last movie I had watched and Lily was one of the main characters, so that was who I became for the night. Lily.
It was my turn to go next. Oh my G-d! What am I doing? My legs started shaking as they introduced me. Next we have...Lily. No turning back. I walked out on stage and everyone was starring at Lily.
I remember looking around the room terrified. I walked the best I could trying to keep my bare legs from shaking. I walked up to the pole for something to cling to so I wouldn't fall. I had to be up there for two whole songs in which seemed like eternity. I looked down to the seats at the main stage and there sat my husband and cousin. I was thinking to myself, what do I do now so I walked back and forth between the poles. The people were hooting and hollering until the second song started. The yelling and cheering continued but now is where it gets even scarier. Now I have to take everything off. This is the point that I was so thankful for the Long Island Ice Tea's. I remember taking everything off and being in another place. I shut down in numbness for those three minutes of my nakedness. My time was up and I went off stage.
After being instructed to wait a few minutes they had us line back up to go back out on stage to get the results from the amateur contest. I found out then that the $200.00 in prize money was not mine. I did it all for nothing.
I quickly got dressed. I found out that myself and one other girl were the only two that had never danced before. None of them were actual amateurs, they were dancers from other clubs. Ugh! I did all of this for nothing. I was so naive.
As I was packing my bag to leave I was approached by a manager. He told me that I was bigger than most of the girls but I would lose the weight, that if I wanted a job, it was mine. In desperation, I accepted.
I was embarrassed by what I just went through but happy to have a job, I went out to tell my husband. He was very happy about me getting a job, now he didn't have to worry about providing. They said I did a great job on stage. I didn't believe them.
The following Monday night I was to start work. I remember going shopping for a new outfit and what the girls in the club were referring to as "Fuck me Pumps" and "Hooker Heels". I never made the connection that that is what I was going to be considered from then on, a hooker.
I went to work with my new clothes just as scared as I was the night of the amateur contest. I still had baby weight on me and all the other women were so beautiful. I remember my husband telling me to keep an eye out for someone who may want to join us. I think back and realize how messed up it all was.
Before I went on stage I decided to change my name to Peyton because Lily sounded too pure for what the environment was showing me. So now I am Peyton.
The passionate Peyton the DJ calls out as I go on stage. I went on stage again shaking and scared yet persevered through it.
After I got off stage a man called me to him. I went over to him and he asked me if I was new and have I ever done a couch dance before. I told him that yes I was new and no I had never done a dance. He told me he wanted one. I didn't even think about that part of this job yet. We walked over to the couch and the music started. I stood up on the couch over this strange man as my legs shook frantically. I didn't know how to give a dance. I cried inside as I swayed, shaking back and forth. I watched the other girls and my dances eventually matched theirs, from what I could see.
I worked at this club for a couple of months until a new club opened. I then became one of the original
Scarlett's girls and danced for two years. Dance after dance, man after man, my self was eroded away and eventually Peyton took over.
My husband would come in and get dances from other women with the money I made and spent the money on other women, marijuana, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms and cigarettes. Eventually I started doing these drugs with him. Peyton was now in full swing. Pamela Renee was gone, only showing herself enough for an occasional birthday party or trip to the park with the children.
Things got so bad finally I left the industry only to walk into my husband and his six month affair with another woman. I gave him an ultimatum to either quit everything or quit me. He did stop the affair and stopped drinking but everything else continued. I was broken and scared of him by this time. Our marriage lasted a total of ten years. We had a total of three children together. We got a divorce and he left me with nothing, he even got the children. My self worth was so depleted that I did not have the inner strength to fight. Having nothing but my van and some clothes I went to the local club and started to do the only thing I knew how to do...dance. For three more years I danced for man after man (even my family doctor...sick bastard)...I was left with nothing but a title of Passionate Peyton the Prostitute.

After Christ 04/23-29/10

04/23/10
Comforting Others-Comfort each other and edify one another. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
I thing I should be a counselor for: pregnant teens, young parents, divorce, rape, financial advising,  managing stress, depression, anxiety, lets see what else? Mom's that lose custody of their children, mental and physical abuse, unemployed, job searching, new Christians, let people know what it is like without Christ (see above list).

04/24/10
Walk With God-My eyes shall be on the faithful of the land, that they may dwell with me. Psalm 101:6
There is always trouble in my life but the lord will be my guide. When I stray from His path, I have to remember to read His Word, pray and know He is always with me.

04/25/10
Coronation Day-Blessed is the man who endures trial for...he will receive the crown of life.
I no longer am afraid of death. Before I found God I was terrified. Now, I understand that death is the beginning of my life in heaven. I look forward to the day God calls me to be with Him. Let there be no sadness, but celebration!

04/26/10
Now Is Time-You do not know what will happen tomorrow. James 4:14
Lord, give me the strength, ability and power to invest in your kingdom now while I can! I want to shout the glory of God! Use me Lord to do your goodness. I want to win souls over to you. Use me as a vessel to tell the world about you! Direct me Lord, use me to glorify You to non-believers.

04/27/10
Christ Is King-Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom. Psalm 145:13
I try so hard to focus on God and do things according to His will. My attitude much of the time is not motivated by Christ. I don't  know how to deal with child support issues and support myself because I am financially shackled to my ex-husband and I get so angry, tired and full of rage. I see no end in sight.

04/28/10
A Sealed Bargain-He...put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.                       2 Corinthians 1:21-22
Thank you God for filling me with your Holy Spirit! I struggle to give myself to you and want to be able to everyday. Everyday I am understanding and accepting the Holy Spirit. I believe as a baby Christian, as I grow I will not let myself get in His way.

04/29/10
Live For The Lord-My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle. Job 7:6
It frustrates me how this temporary world gets me so consumed in insignificant "junk" that I miss out on what is right now. I must try not to look so much at the past and focus on the present. I need to be happy now before I waste even more time. Quick! Quick! Quick! That is an amazing way to view the heartbeat! A constant reminder not to waste time. I love you God!

What Kind of Man

What kind of a man has a woman fall in love
What kind of man tells her what she longs to hear
What kind of man lusts after another
He leaves his wife's heart shattered
all over the rug where the infidelity happened
She would have done anything for him
or does he know this
What kind of a man does not provide
What kind of man strips his wife naked
What kind of man lets others lust her for money
Doesn't he know she isn't for sale
He takes it all to spend on drugs, alcohol and others
What kind of man leaves her stranded with nothing
A man with no heart that does not feel
A man that chooses to exploit for his greed
Then goes on with life just like nothing happened
You know who you are and you know your lies
You can't hide forever under your blanket of guilt
No Prince Charming or Cinderella
All you were was a pimp and I a prostitute
What kind of man has a woman fall in love

~Pamela Renee/Peyton

A Mothers Opinion-Part 2

Renee,

If by some chance your wondering what prompted this angry letter it was yesterday. I came to your door and knocked twice loudly, knowing you were right there talking on the phone. You chose not to answer the door. When I asked you later that day if you heard me, your reply was yes but I didn't answer because I was on the phone. You also chose not to inquire later as to what I needed. Really Renee, is this the way most mothers are treated? Is this the way you expect your kids to treat you? Perhaps Jesus was knocking on your door with and through me. Check the Bible!

Yes, I am angry and hurt. I didn't expect to have to keep up with your shitty attitude. I also don't think God expects me to either. At least not without saying my piece. This past year, look around, who has helped you most, with what they have and through everything else going around here. It's not your dad, Michele and Tim, Diane or Tom, the church, it has been me. Your living in my house, using my stuff (yes, the very stuff you call my idol), you have damaged my stuff with little care, I paid your utilities until November so as to not have
your heat and water shut off. Only to have you snap at me about it. You only shared with me that it was being turned off, not anything about an appointment with Bruce. I thought I was being kind to you.

I have listened to you "cry" about Laura and Ken. I have listened about the pain in your back. I have listened about your paychecks. I drove you back and forth to work when it was all I could do to watch your pain while I dropped you off. Trying also to keep my own pain in control. I went with you to Tuesday night classes the first few months so you'd have a ride. Where did you think I'm getting gas?

When you were so sick in November and Chad ran off, who was it that brought you food, help you off the chair to the bathroom, slept on the couch. Was that the woman at your door yesterday? When I had the flu at Christmas for five days where were you. Did you even know or care  that while I could barely get up to make food, my dear friend was in the hospital getting blood transfusions to save his life and I couldn't be at his side? I realize you can't understand any of this!

When your purse was stolen and you were upset, who helped you look for it, searched the church for it sympathetically with you, prayed about it, Chad? No, me. The one who didn't steal your gas cards. When my jewelry was stolen and I came over to tell you, you didn't so much as come back to my house with me, or go to the police with me or talk to me afterwards. Who was right there when it was happening and wasn't supportive. Oh, sure, you run around Toledo with a  picture of Chad to all the pawn brokers. Why not take me with you or at least the pictures of my jewelry. The way you have been acting who knows what you were
doing.

Why don't you think over your whole life, step by step and see who was really there for you? Am I throwing things up to you,yes, I sure am. I'm mad. I'm tired of your treatment to me. I'm sick of putting up with it and keeping my mouth shut. I'm sick of your total lack of consideration and communication.

Who sat at your garage sales and gave you all the money. The flea market in Elmore and made no money, so you could work and be at church. Who paid for the dumpster, who helped with the spiders before leaving to Maine. Who's things in the garage were sold while gone, when Lenny web knew which things weren't going but again because of lack of communication you say your usual" I didn't know. You think your so smart having the dealers over while I'm gone, well guess what Renee, They robbed you , that's the name of the game. You should have gotten four times as much. As you might be able to tell things have been building up in me. I am sick of your treatment.

Your baptism! I was sick to my stomach watching you. Barb said you wanted everyone to see the improvement in you. (something like that) what improvement? I remembered how you very nastily said you didn't want to be baptized with me and then I have to sit and watch other families thrilled to be together on their day. At that point I didn't want to part of your show. OK! I wasn't, was I, you hadn't even asked me to come.Then when I get home there is a message from you Saturday evening asking if you could pick up Jacob. Your calling me when you hadn't even talked to me since my jewelry was stolen. You have the nerve to ask me for more when you can't even say one, not one, I'm sorry mom about Don? Even common courtesy should have told you to do that.

All year, until January I did these things because I wanted to help you and in return I left your actually seeming to enjoy my company and laughing together was plenty of return for me. It really shouldn't have been costing you a thing. But it cost me dearly, Renee, because once again you have stomped on my heart. I feel sorry for you Renee, is this why at the age of 38 you haven't experienced all three loves? I don't think you know how!

Mom

June 9, 2010

Of course this was all written before I saw you with Chad on Memorial Day. Why the big secret, is it because you know myself and your family and those at church wouldn't approve? Well we don't!

However I was pleased but confused that you do care enough not to have me blown away in the tornado. Thank You! However in a small sense I have been hit by a different type of tornado in the last three years. I lost Bud, our house, much of my stuff had to be sold or left behind, then Richard broke my heart, then the jewelry. I'm always selling more things for extra money for church, and I lost you and then Don. I feel as if my heart is laying out all over some field too!
Love,
Mom

My Rebuttal
03/27/13
It is unfortunate that my own mother feels this harshly about me. Ever since her jewelry disappeared and Don passed she has resented me. I was in the middle of an important phone conversation when my mother was pounding on my door. I'm sorry if she feels so upset by me not answering the door when I lived 10 feet from her and she could have talked to me at a better time.

If I had a bad attitude it was because I was having a rough year as well. I was very grateful for her help yet when she threw everything she had done in my face it made me upset and not want anything or expect anything from her ever again. I did not damage any of her property. Her grandfather clock needed oil after not having the proper care over the years. Quite the contrary, I cleaned it up nicely and made it a wonderful place to live.

I did not know my mom was sick and yes, I was robbed too. She was not the only one in pain.
As far as the garage sales she said I could have all the stuff to sell in the garage since she was giving it all away anyways before she went to Maine.

In reference to my baptism, she stated she and Vickie did not want to get baptized at Cedar Creek and I wanted to get get baptized by myself. There was no harm in that. All were welcome to come to my baptism, it was not a "show."

Yes, it is unfortunate that I have not experienced the three loves in the correct sequence and of course I would not let her get hurt knowing a tornado is headed our way. Through Christ I am a strong woman, courteous and compassionate and yes, mercy is one of my gifts. It is too bad she doesn't see me how I see me.

I have gone back over my life to see who was really there for me and for some reason it does keep coming back to you, mom. I don't remember you being there much showing me how to be courteous, compassionate or merciful. I remember the pornography, romance novels, see thorough night gowns and lack of affection. So maybe you should also look back over your life step by step and realize that anything bad that you don't like in me, I learned it from you. I love you Mom, I forgive you.

Renee

A Mother's Opinion-Part 1

June 2010

Dear Renee,

As hard as I have tried over the years I just don't seem to be able to reach you, don't understand your needs, don't understand why you have so much problems tolerating your own mother.

I love you Renee, there is no doubt in my heart about this. From the minute I knew you were conceived I loved you. From the minute you were born I was proud to be your mom. I delighted in your achievements, watching you grow gave me one more reason to enjoy life. My goal was to make your life better than mine, your experience better, your love more. Just as I hope you are feeling for your children, I felt for you.

Here's the But! As I reflect back upon this year between you and myself I am very disillusioned and discouraged. When we all found our new understanding with God, I had so much hope for you and I. When you told me (although you did have some church growing up) you had no understanding of Gods love and how life is to be, I felt this must be what made you (made you what, I really don't know).

I have always tried in my feeble way to help you, God knows you don't make it easy. Your heart is hard, Renee. Even though your spiritual gift is not mercy, most people form a little intelligence and life shows most people when it is appropriate to show it. There is a time an place for it.

With all the times you have had your heart broken I would have hoped you would finally get it. Then you were talking about the three kinds of love: *Raya, *Ahava, and *Dode. You said you cried when hearing this and I wondered why? You said it's because you didn't ever experience the first two before Dode. What a painful way to live, what a painful thing to realize. Maybe this explains you to me better. First, even though the tape was referring to couples I fill in any relationships be it brother, sister, aunt and uncle, mother, daughter, best friends. You experience both Raya and Ahava.

Perhaps as you remember these three loves with me you can get a better understanding of my anguish this year. When I came back this year, I sincerely thought I had all three with Richard. We planned to be married when I turned 62. I felt all three of these loves for Richard. Once you experience Raya and Ahava in your relationship with a man you'll begin to realize how much emotional pain I was in.

You , myself and many others wonder why I am so anxious to have another man in my life. I realize now, it's because I was the luckiest woman I know, because I felt all three of these loves for everyman I loved. Your dad, Joe, Bud and Richard. The sad thing with three of them is they eventually removed the first two loves and of course the last one went with it. It's because of the first two that I feel so strong about the Dode.

I came home, had my heart broke, my mountains seemed insurmountable. I looked around and yours did too. I felt concern as to what held you together. I have tried to help you in any way I knew how to, I can't help if I don't know the problems.

Then after praying to God that He put a nice christian man in my spiritual gifts class, he did, Don. You said "Don't expect sympathy from me when he dies". Very christian of you. Had you continued to have shown me your love perhaps you could have understood. I felt that there was a reason for putting him and I in that room. We both needed the healing we could give one another. Don showed me that other men would be interested in me and that Dode wasn't always necessary in a male/female relationship. I learned patience. Don needed me to talk to him about death, no one else around him did, to explain what I saw and felt when others around me had died. He needed me to love and help him to survive through his illness. God wanted me to help him find his path to heaven. I had asked Jesus forgiveness and for him to take me with him in heaven. Don often asked me why I was so sure. I knew why I was with Don, I was doing what God sent me to do.

Don and I had both Raya and Ahava for each other. Because of his illness and time left for Don on earth there was no reason to pursue Dode. We knew that with different circumstances our lives together may have gone to love, marriage, no baby carriage. Knowing I had the Raya and Ahava was enough for me. I'm proud that God chose me to be his angel. I wish you could have understood this. Was this easy to let Don go, no, my earthly heart was broken into pieces, but when I held both Don's hands and he looked clearly into my eyes (as his soul danced between heaven and earth) I was able to tell him with all certainty that which he wanted to know from me, in a couple more hours he would be with Jesus in heaven. You need to understand before that point he was not communicating nor could he focus, he stared with glazed eyes straight ahead. I then asked him if he was okay as he still looked into my eyes he clearly said "Yes, I am". Then his focus was gone. I prayed with him. I felt relief that his pain and suffering was over. I did what God asked me to do, now my new pain and suffering began.

As you were told, Don died in February. My jewelry was stolen in January. I didn't cry or agonize over the jewelry as I normally would have, after all I was losing Don. Someone far more precious than any gold or diamonds could ever be. Another lesson from God. Am I angry? Yes! Do I miss it? Yes! Is it important? Yes, but not nearly as important as other things in life. You were stolen from me along with that jewelry. But You had control of that, Renee, I guess I've never really had you.

I had such hope for you when you started going to church, reading the Bible. I have all kinds of mean things I'd like to say to you, what's the point, you've shown me what you feel about me. I'll have to find a way to have you as my neighbor, not a daughter. It's pretty clear to me, you don't want me as a mother. It's really too bad. I love you, Renee, after all, since you were conceived I hoped we'd live our lives together with love. I guess I don't know how to show it to you.

Perhaps you need to study your Bible more, you know that part about honoring your mother. I love you Renee, but  it brakes my heart to say this, right now, there is not much I like about you. Love and like are two different things. I figure also, that there's not much you like about me or you certainly would be acting a lot different.

My Love Always,
Mom

This letter was given to me after my mothers jewelry and my purse and it's contents were stolen possibly by my ex-boyfriend. She accused me of being a part in the robbery. He did admit to stealing my purse but never confessed to taking the jewelry. I did all I could to help her recover her missing items. I drove all around Toledo to pawn shops looking for any pieces of the jewelry I could find. I had no luck.
She then lost her friend Don that was in stage four cancer when they met. I happened to be out of town visiting a friend that also had cancer and was dying when Don had his funeral. She is now mad at me for being unsympathetic for Don's passing (which I am not) and she thinks I stole her valuables.
I shared with her a video called "Flame" that talked about love between a man and a woman. The only man she could have had all three with was my dad because he is the only man she has been married to, the others don't count.
As far as liking my mother the feeling is not mutual. I love my mother. She's my mother. Even though she is my mom I will not be around someone that continues to throw false accusations my way. I had no part in stealing anything. As long as she continues to think I am the type of person that would do that I am going to choose to stay away from toxicity.

Three stages of God centered Love between a man and a woman
*Raya-Friendship
*Ahava- Commitment /Marriage
*Dode-Lust for Love/Sex

http://nooma.com/films/002-flame

My Voice

It amazes me how many people are viewing my blog yet no one is brave enough to comment. I understand that many of my posts are from before I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and are, for some individuals, hard to read. I have chosen to not "sugar coat" my journal entries.

In order to see the true effect of what I am trying to do, the truth has got to come out. For some, if you are choosing to read my blog, the truth may not necessarily be what you want to hear. The truth will set me free but for some particular people, they don't want their truths out. Your secrets are no longer for me to carry.

If you disagree with my perspective, feel free to comment. For some, you will not like what I have to say, but that's okay. If you don't like it you shouldn't have done it. You will know who you are.

I have been through a lot of healing since I was born again and have forgiven all the people that have hurt me in my past. There are some that continue to try to cause pain yet I forgive them again and again. I also ask that if I have ever caused you pain that you forgive me. I did and still do not know exactly what I am doing. This blog is my voice of communication starting to develop.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my blog and not passing judgment on my emotions. God bless you and for those whom are close to my heart...I love you.

~Pamela Renee Schneider

After Christ 04/17-22/10

04/16/10
The Greatest Message-I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. Matthew 28:5
Thank you God for your son! If we believe then the Holy Spirit fills our heart with His love. What an amazing miracle. Because of You I am alive. I want to climb a mountain and yell to everyone the good news!

04/17/10
Patience and Prayer-We...do not cease to pray for you. Colossians 1:9
Lord, I need to keep praying. I need to pray that my situation changes soon. I do not know how I am going to be able to survive in my current situation. I feel like giving up and just taking off but I can't even do that because of no money. I pray for my finances to change but it only seems to get worse. Help me God!!!

04/18/10
A Sure Supply-My God shall supply all your need. Philippians 4:19
So what am I doing wrong? Lord, I need your help with my finances. I need to make more than $2 something an hour. Maybe my faith weakens because it feels never ending. I feel my life is hopeless. Waking up is seeming more and more useless as time goes on.

04/19/10
Shining Lights-Let your light so shine before men, that they may...glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16
At this point I am not real sure what I have done would attract others to Christ. If they could see me when I am home alone crying-nothing. When at church or my groups they would think my life drastically changed.

04/20/10
The Call To Discipleship-Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me. Matthew 11:29
I am yoked to Christ, or at least I am trying to be. The world is working very diligently to keep me from the Lord. I pray that my bad habits of this world will be gone so I can focus 100% on Christ!

04/21/10
God Never Changes-God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth. John 4:24
There is absolutely no reason not to trust God. He has been my rock for the past year in which has totally transformed me. He is the only stable thing in my life. Like the eye of my personal hurricane. I can trust in Him.

04/22/10
The Hope of the Centuries-It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:26
Lord, I hope you come soon. The stress of this world has me just about ready to quit. I know I should trust in you to get me through this life. I'm so tired of the stupid things that happen to me. I just want to be able to relax in your arms.

After Christ 04/09-15/10

04/09/10
The Good Shepherd-The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. John 10:11
I worry that my impurity will keep me from my Lord. I am repenting my sin. I don't want to betray Him again. Lord give me the strength to say no! It is not worth losing eternal life with You! Lord help me!

04/10/10
The Message Of Easter-He has risen! He is not here. Mark 16:6
Easter to me means that Jesus died for my eternal salvation. Anyone who believes in Him will have eternal life. If you are born again good things start to happen. God is my rock. When something goes wrong I hold on to Him while the problem passes. Amen for my lord!

04/11/10
Risen and Returning-This same Jesus...will so come in like manner as you saw Him go. Acts 1:11
Thank you lord for conquering the grave. Without You we would be nothing. You have saved us all. My life is now saved. My death is over. I was lost but now am found, blind but now I see!

04/12/10
A Certain Hope-Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. Jeremiah 17:7
Everyone that lives of this world are placing their hope on things that are a waste of time and energy. Having faith and hope in our Lord is the only way to salvation.

04/13/10
Why Did He Die?-The message of the cross...is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18
Before I came to Christ I did not even think about how I was sinning, Now if I sin the guilt is overwhelming. Therefore, I need to pay close attention to my actions. I don't want to think that because of me He died in vain. I will try to be as close as I can be like Jesus.

04/14/10
Forgiveness and Fellowship-I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.                       Jeremiah 31:34
Thank you Lord for forgiving my sins. I have been self-centered in my guilt for so many years. I give my life to you Lord. May I sin less and walk your walk. Thank you for giving me life and saving my life. Glory be to God.

04/15/10
Heavenly News-God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power. 1 Corinthians 6:14
Thank you Lord Jesus for helping me see Your light. Being born again is the greatest event that has happened to me. I was the walking dead before I found you. Glory be to God!

Living Ghosts

Living Ghosts

A little girl trafficked talks about ghosts;
I understand what she's implying.
They are everywhere.
I don't know for certain
which ones are good
and which ones are evil
until they are touching me
in that inappropriate way.
Their words are daggers,
their touches that burn,
they are everywhere
in every direction I turn.
They look at me with lust
with eyes that undress,
everywhere I go, potential duress.
The little girl calls them ghosts
but we know ghosts aren't real.
What is real?
What do I see?
The nightmares
of what she calls the Living Ghosts
still getting me.

Lord set me free.

~Pamela Renee Schneider

After Christ 04/2-08/10

04/02/10
A Living Sacrifice-Present yourselves to God as being alive...and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. Romans 6:13
Lord, I pray that I don't do anything to dishonor you. Temptation from the evil one is trying very hard to make me disobedient. Give me the strength, Lord, to be strong in my faith.

04/03/10
The Resurrection and Life-He who believes in me will live...and...will never die. John 11:25-26
This is a miracle that God has provided, Since I have been re-born I now understand that I don't have to fear death. I know that I have a place in Heaven. I look forward to meeting the Lord.

04/04/10
Refined and Purified-When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10
I was way off path when I discovered my Lord. It took me years to make my mess, now I need the patience to clean it up. God, you are my rock, my security that all will be okay. Thank you Lord for your grace.

04/05/10

The Light Of God's Love-O lord my God. You are very great;...You who laid the foundations of the earth. Psalm 104:1,5
I will absolutely love God for the rest of my days on this temporary world. I will use this time to grow and share His love. He is the creator. It is not humanly possible to understand. I know He loves me and I am thankful to Him for filling my heart with His love.

04/06/10
The Future Life-As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes.             Psalm 103:15

Thank you Jesus, I am going to be with you in heaven! I couldn't even imagine my life in hell for eternity without you. What a relief knowing You are with me forever.

04/07/10
We Can't Outgive God-The generous soul will be made rich. Proverbs 11:25
Lord, I wish I had more financially to tithe. Before I came to you I would never part with my money, now I wish I had some to give. I will try to give more in other ways. If anyone needs my help I am glad to. Praise the love of the Lord!

04/08/10
God Cares For You-God is not the author of confusion but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33
I am so overwhelmed with the issue of purity. Why do I disobey the law of my Lord? The guilt I feel is saddening me to the point of not functioning. I keep praying for deliverance from this evil. Lord be with me.

After Christ 03/26-04/01/10

03/26/10
Cowardly or Courageous?-If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31
Is depression giving into fear or is it something truly wrong with me? Some days are worse than others but I always seem to make it through. God is my center, I am safe. I will fear less, follow Him.

03/27/10
Christ is Risen-He is not here, but is risen! Luke 24:6
I was saved a year ago and my life has changed dramatically. My heart is filled with His love! I give all my worries to Him with His help. I look at the world with a different perspective. God is now my center, my rock. Glory be to God, the one and only true love of my life!

03/28/10
Peace With God-Let the peace of God rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:15
I pray that the Lord will take away the back and neck pain and the depression and anxiety. I need to strengthen my faith to alleviate my symptoms. The Lord will provide. I just need to be strong in all that I do.

03/29/10
A Purpose and a Power-Go quickly and tell...that He is risen from the dead. Matthew 28:7
My confidence is in our Lord Jesus Christ. My faith waivers now and then but I just have to re-group and focus myself on Him. My problems are nothing compared to His pain of dying for me. Thank you Lord Jesus for dying for all of us undeserving sinners.

03/30/10
He Suffered For You-His visage was marred more than any man. Isaiah 52:14
I could not even imagine the pain and anguish He went through because of our sins. To go from no sinning to bearing ours must have been unbearable. My thank you's are not enough. I must live by your truth so You didn't go through all the torture in vain.

03/31/10
It Is Finished-He was wounded for our transgressions. Isaiah 53:5
Thank you Lord for saving all of your children! What you have done for us is beyond comprehension. You died for us. How amazing you are. I now see the light. Lord, may I let the Holy Spirit fill me with your love. Show me the way Lord.

04/01/10
The Living Christ-It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. Galatians 2:20
Praise be to the glory of God! Thank you Lord for saving us! I pray that you use me to bring others to you. Make me a vessel of communication to your lost sheep. I do not want to see anyone left behind!

After Christ 03/19-25/10

03/19/10
Soaring in Victory-Unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. John 3:3
I am in the process of being victorious. I have been born again. I am being judged and ridiculed about it but that's okay, the devil will not win over me. I have an inner peace. Thank you Lord.

03/20/10
Life With a Capital L-The Son gives life to whom He will. John 5:21
Lord, you know I let the routines of daily living get me down. I pray that you help me live each day with your Holy Spirit in me. Show me the strength I need to get through each day. Be with me Lord as I struggle. I will not let the evil one run my life. You are the one I live for.

03/21/10
Gods Great Heart-Love the Lord your God with all your heart...and your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27
Being human and set in my ways, I find it hard sometimes to have the love for particular people that I'm supposed to. It is habit for me to be mad. With the Lord's help I am trying to learn to love like He wants me to.

03/22/10
Earnest Prayer-Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving. Colossians 4:2
I am praying now more than I ever have in my 38 years of life. I did not understand what it meant to pray. I pray when I wake up, go to bed and throughout the day. I talk to the Lord as much as possible. Amen for prayer!

03/23/10
Claim a Larger Blessing-Through God we will do valiantly. Psalm 108:13
My life had got so out of control that the only way I could have survived was through the love of Jesus Christ. My heart was broken and His love filled me. I am a different person and I am eternally grateful.

03/24/10
The Victorious Chime-I, even I, am the Lord, and besides Me there is no savior. Isaiah 43:11
After all these years I finally understand what Easter is all about. Christ died on the cross for our sins. When I hear the bells on Easter, I will rejoice!

03/25/10
The Answer to Fear-Do not be afraid. Matthew 28:10
I no longer fear death. I understand that death is my punishment for my sins before I get to heaven. I no longer fear. Thank you Lord for your grace and salvation. What a huge relief to not fear death anymore. Glory be to God!

After Christ 03/12-18/10

03/12/10
God's Kingdom, God's Way-Your throne, O God, is forever and ever. Psalm 45:6
Thank you Lord for saving me from eternal damnation. I hate to think that I would be stuck in hell for eternity. Because of your grace I am a new person. Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love.

03/13/10
Dynamic and Dedicated-Stand fast in the Lord. Philippians 4:1
It is a cold windy and gloomy day. I have to keep in mind that God has made today like this for a reason. I'm not sure exactly why, I feel down and in pain. When does life get better? I feel so helpless right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is very dim. I wish I new His path for me. It is what it is I guess.


03/14/10
Rescuing Angels-The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them. Psalm 34:7
The Lord sent His angels to be with me today for my baptism in the form of family and friends. I did become overwhelmed periodically but the Lord got me through. I am yours Lord. Do your work through me.

03/15/10
Joyous Optimism-My soul shall be joyful in the Lord. Psalm 35:9
There are many issues in my life that are very discouraging. I have faith in the Lord that gives me the confidence I need to get through these hard times. I have been re-born into a life that has hope and optimism. Glory be to God!

03/16/10
Right On The Beam-Narrow is the gate and difficult is the way that leads to life. Matthew 7:14
Only Jesus knows the way and I want to follow Him to the promise land, even if I have to make painful and heartbreaking decisions to get there. Your the truth, the way and the light.

03/17/10
Unload Your Distress-Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
I am so thankful to you Lord for taking away all of my sins. I know I can not live life on my own, that I need your help. You ease my pain that this evil, temporary world brings upon me. I am eternally grateful for your presents in my life.

03/18/10
Material Gods-What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Mark 8:36
I don't have any money or material possessions that get in the way of focusing on Christ. My lack of money is what concerns me. I pray that the Lord provides me with enough money to help myself and others who need it.

After Christ 03/5-11/10

03/05/10
The Spirit of God-I will pray to the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever. John 14:16
Before I was saved I did not know what the Holy Spirit was. Now He fills my heart completely and I thankfully understand. If I did not have the Holy Spirit I could only guess where I would be right now-still dead in hell.

03/06/10
Glorious Giving-Give, and it will be given to you. Luke 6:38
Lord, I want to be able to give. My lack of any money is preventing me to monetarily help anyone. Thankfully, I have received many gift cards for gas and help with my car to enable me to get to church so I can learn more about you. I will try to give in other ways when I am able. I love you Lord. Be with me, keep me strong.

03/07/10
Life In Christ Works-I know whom I have believed. 2 Timothy 1:12
I am so grateful that I have Christ in my life. Yes, things are still chaotic but I now have an inner peace that I never would have had without the Holy Spirit. The only regret that I have by accepting Jesus Christ is that it didn't happen sooner.

03/08/10
The Brightness of God's Love-my flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart. Psalm 73:26
I do have a hard time remembering that I should not worry during difficult times. My life seems to be hard constantly. I have to trust that the Lord has good intentions for me and not let everyday stress get to me.

03/09/10
The Mind Of Christ-Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:5
My love for the Lord makes me feel like telling everyone how gracious He is. My fear is that depression is holding me back. Why do I feel this way? I want it to go away so I can be free to talk about the Lord. I want to be excited about my days. Help me Lord.

03/10/10
A Mighty Fortress-He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust. Psalm 91:2
God cares for me and He tells me to stop worrying about all the problems I have. Concern is a better word. I have to have faith. It just seems that nothing is getting better for me. God is making me work on my patience I suppose. I know He has a plan for me and it's going to be good. I just know it.

03/11/10
Come Boldly-Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find. Matthew 7:7
I struggle with giving it all to God. I seem to forget when I'm in the middle of a crisis. It makes sense though. I have to try to remind myself every day. I don't want to go through life sad, burdened, and depressed any longer. Like a proverbial paper ball-I throw it to you Lord.

After Christ 02/26-03/04/10

02/26/10
The Hand Of God-No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11
I have been doing all I can to learn as much as possible about God. The hard part is giving back to others. I am in a place where I need financial help and I pray that my finances come around so I may be able to give back.

02/27/10
A prepared Place-In my Father's house are many mansions. John 14:2
Lord, I am so excited to have the honor of spending eternity with you. I pray that you will mold me in preparation to have a place with you in heaven. It comforts me to know that I will be known and expected in your home and not a burden.

02/28/10
A Passion To Please God-I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. Philippians 4:11
I need to pray and ask God not to worry because I do worry about what others think about me. I feel like a burden to all. I don't like that feeling. I need to be content with what the Lord gives me, and be thankful.

03/01/10
In The World, Not Of The World-They are of the world...We are of God. 1 John 4:5-6
My purpose in this world is to bring non-believers to you. The devil is everywhere and is trying to direct our paths away from the Lord. Stay focused! Be pleasant and show others the rewards of loving our Lord!

03/02/10
People Of Prayer-Lord, teach us to pray. Luke 11:1
I forget to pray. My thoughts consume me sometimes and the thought of praying does not occur to me. I am trying to pay more attention to this problem. I realize that praying is important. I need to clear my mind.

03/03/10
We Can Count On Him-Blessed is the man whose strength is in You. Psalm 84:5
Worry, it seems I do too much of that. It is hard to not get wrapped up into this evil world. I need to pray to the Lord that I worry less. He will take care of me.

03/04/10
Life Plus Love-All the law is fulfilled in one word...love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:14
I pray that others can see Christ's love in my life. Although my life is chaos at this moment, God has made me calm. I would like to get rid of all my belongings one day, travel, and spread the good news. Glory be to God!

After Christ 02/19-25/10

02/19/10
A Formula For Peace-Great peace have those who love Your law, and nothing causes them to stumble. Psalm 119:165
Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love. I try to look at the world through your eyes yet I still struggle with some situations. My anger tends to make it hard to forgive and let go. Help me Lord, I pray.

02/20/10
A Warning Light-If your heart is wise, My heart will rejoice. Proverbs 23:15
I feel as though I listen to my conscious more now than I did before I came to Christ. Things that didn't bother me before really stick out to me now. I pray that others close to me see it how I do.

02/21/10
Pray Anywhere, Anytime-Rejoice always, pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

Before I came to Christ praying seemed silly, now I can understand why it is important. I pray 100% more than I did previously. Thank you Lord for filling my heart with your love and guiding me down your path. I am so grateful.

02/22/10
Trust Crowds Out Worry-Commit your way to the Lord...and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5
My anger for the past may be crowding out God's love. It is hard for me to forget. The hardships I face seem to be a result of past situations and people in my life. Sometimes I wish I could get away from every negative source and just be with God.

02/23/10
Let It Shine!-The light of the righteous rejoices. Proverbs 13:9
Even though my life seems out of control, amidst all the chaos I seem to be calm. After 38 years of messing up my life it will take some time to fix, only with God's help. Then I can focus on sharing the good news with everyone. Amen!

02/24/10
No Bargain, No Barter-Come, buy...without money and without price. Isaiah 55:1
Thank you Lord Jesus for the gift of salvation. You have saved my life. I am re-born because of your great love! I am eternally grateful. My live death is the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me. Glory be to God!!!

02/25/10
The Divine Flame-You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be my witness. Acts 1:8
It is not easy to totally submit yourself to the Lord. It seems that people around you try to make it difficult. It is hard being ridiculed by those who say they love you. I must be strong. I love your law. Give me strength Lord to ward off evil.