I told him that with our finances the way they were that he would have to get another job. I was a stay at home mom since I had just given birth and was still breast feeding. He refused to seek more employment so I suggested that I become a dancer to make ends meet. At first he was against it then he decided that it would be what I had to do. He taught me a few moves on our bed and decided I could do an amateur contest at one of the local clubs.
My younger cousin went with us (to this day I am not sure why or if she was even over 21). We went out to a bar in order for me to get intoxicated before we went in so I could bring up the nerve to do it. I was so scared and nervous. I had never been naked in front of people before especially with my husband and cousin watching. I was not only nervous about taking off my clothes in front of everyone, I was also afraid that my breast milk would start leaking all over the place.
We went into the club and I had brought with me some skimpy outfit to wear. I didn't have a pair of those really high heels that all the other girls wore so I brought a pair of two inch heels from my closet. I was so nervous, but I wasn't sure why, I had been in a club before with my brother-in-law, husband (boyfriend at the time) and his Navy friends while he was stationed in Florida. After we were married we would go into a club together and get dances. By this point I was detached and desensitized by seeing porn magazines by age seven.
I proceeded to be directed by an employee to the dressing room. As I walked back there were naked women everywhere. Men were sitting around the stage putting money in the women's garter belts. They were naked and dancing in booths all along the side wall. There was no wall or curtain to keep everyone from seeing their naked bodies dancing in rhythm to the music.I pretended that I wasn't scared, like I had done this before. I'm sure all the women new that I was new just by looking at me and the outfit I had picked out. No one talked to me. They were all in the dressing room putting on really thick makeup and prepping there hair to make it look perfect. I was used to no make-up and a ponytail. They had to know I was there for the amateur contest.
It was my turn to go next. Oh my G-d! What am I doing? My legs started shaking as they introduced me. Next we have...Lily. No turning back. I walked out on stage and everyone was starring at Lily.
I remember looking around the room terrified. I walked the best I could trying to keep my bare legs from shaking. I walked up to the pole for something to cling to so I wouldn't fall. I had to be up there for two whole songs in which seemed like eternity. I looked down to the seats at the main stage and there sat my husband and cousin. I was thinking to myself, what do I do now so I walked back and forth between the poles. The people were hooting and hollering until the second song started. The yelling and cheering continued but now is where it gets even scarier. Now I have to take everything off. This is the point that I was so thankful for the Long Island Ice Tea's. I remember taking everything off and being in another place. I shut down in numbness for those three minutes of my nakedness. My time was up and I went off stage.
After being instructed to wait a few minutes they had us line back up to go back out on stage to get the results from the amateur contest. I found out then that the $200.00 in prize money was not mine. I did it all for nothing.I quickly got dressed. I found out that myself and one other girl were the only two that had never danced before. None of them were actual amateurs, they were dancers from other clubs. Ugh! I did all of this for nothing. I was so naive.
As I was packing my bag to leave I was approached by a manager. He told me that I was bigger than most of the girls but I would lose the weight, that if I wanted a job, it was mine. In desperation, I accepted.
I was embarrassed by what I just went through but happy to have a job, I went out to tell my husband. He was very happy about me getting a job, now he didn't have to worry about providing. They said I did a great job on stage. I didn't believe them.
The following Monday night I was to start work. I remember going shopping for a new outfit and what the girls in the club were referring to as "Fuck me Pumps" and "Hooker Heels". I never made the connection that that is what I was going to be considered from then on, a hooker.
I went to work with my new clothes just as scared as I was the night of the amateur contest. I still had baby weight on me and all the other women were so beautiful. I remember my husband telling me to keep an eye out for someone who may want to join us. I think back and realize how messed up it all was.
Before I went on stage I decided to change my name to Peyton because Lily sounded too pure for what the environment was showing me. So now I am Peyton.The passionate Peyton the DJ calls out as I go on stage. I went on stage again shaking and scared yet persevered through it.
After I got off stage a man called me to him. I went over to him and he asked me if I was new and have I ever done a couch dance before. I told him that yes I was new and no I had never done a dance. He told me he wanted one. I didn't even think about that part of this job yet. We walked over to the couch and the music started. I stood up on the couch over this strange man as my legs shook frantically. I didn't know how to give a dance. I cried inside as I swayed, shaking back and forth. I watched the other girls and my dances eventually matched theirs, from what I could see.
I worked at this club for a couple of months until a new club opened. I then became one of the original
Scarlett's girls and danced for two years. Dance after dance, man after man, my self was eroded away and eventually Peyton took over.
My husband would come in and get dances from other women with the money I made and spent the money on other women, marijuana, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms and cigarettes. Eventually I started doing these drugs with him. Peyton was now in full swing. Pamela Renee was gone, only showing herself enough for an occasional birthday party or trip to the park with the children.
Things got so bad finally I left the industry only to walk into my husband and his six month affair with another woman. I gave him an ultimatum to either quit everything or quit me. He did stop the affair and stopped drinking but everything else continued. I was broken and scared of him by this time. Our marriage lasted a total of ten years. We had a total of three children together. We got a divorce and he left me with nothing, he even got the children. My self worth was so depleted that I did not have the inner strength to fight. Having nothing but my van and some clothes I went to the local club and started to do the only thing I knew how to do...dance. For three more years I danced for man after man (even my family doctor...sick bastard)...I was left with nothing but a title of Passionate Peyton the Prostitute.
