I was raped, there I said it, I was raped. It has taken me 17 years to be able to say that without crying. It was so long ago but it still feels like yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, that's true, a lot of time but forgiveness is what actually healed my wound.
I was at work as a cashier at a truck stop in Millbury, Ohio and I was due to work this one particular evening. My friend was having a Labor Day get together with some of her and her husbands friends at her home on Hudson Street. Then after the get together everyone headed downtown Toledo to what the City of Toledo called Party in the Park. That evening "Cheap Trick" was going to be in concert. My friend and I got in her convertible and drove down to the party. Little did I know how the day was going to unfold.
I had to work third shift that night so I decided to not do any drinking. We had a great time and then she took me back to her home. I proceeded to head on to work. I was done with all my tasks that evening and decided to call my friend to have her come over to my work and hang out. Little did I know this would be a very bad decision.
She came out to my work with her husband and his three friends Jason Young, Ron Khoenke, and Rodney Rose all of Findley, Ohio. They were at the days previous events but I did not know them nor did I hang out with them. We were outside the truck stop enjoying the fresh evening air while my co-worker ran the register inside if anyone came in. We hung out for a about a half hour when they all decided they were going to head back to my friends house. My friend and her husband drove separate and the three friends drove in a red pick up truck. My friend and her husband were driving away when the three friends picked me up, after trying to convince me to say yes, and put me in their truck and drove off with me, leaving my co-worker wondering where I went.
I was pleading with them to let me out of the truck but they weren't having that. I thought they were just joking at first but when they got on the expressway I realized that this was no joke. They took me without my consent and now I am headed down the highway not sure of the destination. I could not jump out of the truck because they were on either side of me. I remember them joking and laughing thinking this is a good time. To me it was not. I was very worried about losing my job. At the time I was a single mom and my daughter was very young, I was concerned about not having the money to support her. I continued to beg of them to bring me back. They said nothing to me. The one guy just kept on driving.
They got off the Stickney/Lagrange exit in Toledo, Ohio, that's when I figured that they were taking me back to my friends house. I thought to myself good now my friend can give me a ride back to my place of employment as soon as we arrive, but that did not work out as planned.
I frantically tried to get anyone to bring me back to work in fear that I would lose my job. My friend did not want to bring me back like I had hoped. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was just taken from my job. Little did I know that their intentions were more than taking me from the truck stop.
The three guys went upstairs so I followed them into a spare bedroom where I asked them to bring me back to work. They shut the door behind me and they all three came at me. I wasn't sure what to do or what exactly they were doing. They had me cornered by the bed and I remember that I fell to a fetal position beside the bed, trying to make it so they could not touch me but they had other things in mind. They raped me. There, I said it again. I will leave out the gruesome details. I detached from myself while they were doing what they were doing. Trying to not think about what was going on. They finished what they had set out to do and they all went back downstairs and they left immediately. I went downstairs and my friend asked me what happened and I told her. Her husband didn't believe me. They finally drove me back to my job where my coworker was thankful to see me and that I was alive. She had no idea what had happened to me. she had called my boss and she came in that night. She did not know what to do because they new my car was still there but I was not. They both were scared that something bad had happened. Unfortunately, they were right.
My coworker ended up calling the police from my job to report the abduction and rape. They questioned me, my friend and her husband. My friends husband was reluctant to give the officers the information on his three friends and the truck description until they threatened to take him to jail for withholding evidence. They told me to not wash my hands or anything for evidence. The police called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. At the hospital they did a rape kit. My friend and her husband had to leave because their son was at a babysitters. They had to keep my clothes for the kit. My boss ended up bringing me some clothes when she came in that night to check on me. The clothes were way to big but that is all I had. After she left I was at the hospital all alone.
I was released from the hospital the next day after spending all night there and I went home. I did not tell anyone in my family or my friends what happened. My friend and her husband, my boss and co-worker and the three guys were the only ones that new. I was ashamed and embarrassed. What was wrong with me? Could I have done something different to stop them? It was my fault for calling my friend to hang out with me. Why didn't I yell, bite or scratch? Something. I was detached. Split into two.What they did was horrible and they now lead normal lives with families and their families probably don't even know what they did. They finally received sexual cohersion charges and that was it. They got away with it.
It has been very difficult for me, over the years, to even talk about what happened. I have now after therapy and time learned to forgive myself and all that were involved that night for their part in what happened. Early on I wanted to seek vengeance to my attackers but now I know that it is in my Lord's hands.They say time heals all wounds but the fact that I have forgiven them is what sets me free from them. All the glory to God.~Renee
Dearly
beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for
it is written,Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans
12:19
Up and down
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How is it that I am so easily forgotten?
My children are the only reason I didn't.
I had to go out and purchase a 32 GB flash drive for all of my documents and pictures that are being stored onto my computer. I had so much information stored on it that it was slowing it down. Then it occurred to me that this is exactly what my mind does when I write in my blog. My brain is my computer and my blog is my flash drive. All of the information that is in my head gets put into my blog.
I was sitting with my friend in her living room and we started discussing my past. I mentioned to her that I had danced for five years and she said that she couldn't ever see me as a stripper. I told her that of all the jobs I have had over the years I really excelled as an exotic dancer. I was good at it but unfortunately now there is a five year gap in my resume'. I wasn't at all talented in the beginning but over time I got better. Desperate for money I became Passionate Peyton, the top money maker on day shift for an all nude club I worked for in Oregon, Ohio. I was also top money maker at a go-go bar called Papa's Pole Paradise in Whitehouse, Ohio where I ended my dancing career when I almost received an undeserving prostitution charge. I began at DejaVu with the stage name Lily in Toledo and then moved over to Scarlet's Cabaret also in Toledo where I changed my name to Peyton. By then I was no longer a delicate flower and felt undeserving of such a beautiful name. I danced in a club on the East side of Toledo all the way up to two clubs in Detroit. Once upon a time I also danced in three different clubs while I lived in Florida. Many men came to see me including my family doctor, Doctor Rai from his practice in Elmore, Ohio. Dance after dance, every three minutes another dance times seven days a week times five years. That is a lot of dances, not including the dances that I did on stage. No wonder my body hurts so bad now, all of that dancing has taken its toll on me physically.
The man was in seated position on a couch in a small secluded room with curtains that I closed, I would lean over him and seductively slide over and breathe down his neck and in his ear. I sat on his lap facing him and began to slowly sway my hips back and forth to the rhythm of whatever song the girl on stage chose to dance to. I would continue gently breathing on his neck and in his ear in attempt to get him so aroused that he would get another dance. Sometimes I would turn around with my back to him and continue to grind. I would lean forward with my hands on the floor and press myself into him. I would then turn back around and put my arms around his neck and press my breasts into his face. I would not let the men touch me with their hands or lick me and I would not do that to them. That would be an immediate stop to the dance. As the song came to an end I would pick up the pace and depth of the swaying motion until the man was about to orgasm, then I would stop and the music would change. If they wanted another dance I would slowly start the whole cycle again, teasing and grinding not knowing that I was slowly grinding away at my self worth.
We parked at Andrus Hardware just on the east side of the bridge, which happens to be a great hardware store that has not been taken over by the big guys, whom I will not mention. So I parked the car, they were so excited. Before we got out of the car we went over the rules. No running, stay by me, be careful, and we can only spit over the side of the bridge when we reach the center. Like spitting over the side was the trophy moment of accomplishment for little kids.
The doctor came in and asked me if there was any chance that I could be pregnant and I told him no. Apparently just to make sure they did a pregnancy test on me anyways. Still very sedated the doctor came back in with the news that I was actually pregnant. It was not only shocking but the only way I could have been pregnant would have been the result of me being raped that previous Labor Day weekend just a month prior.
Approximately a month after finding out I was pregnant I was in my mind debating what I should do. I was in the bathroom one afternoon using the restroom and all of a sudden I thought I smelled what I thought was a dead mouse. I looked everywhere for it but didn't see one anywhere. Then I figured it out. It was not a dead mouse it was a smell of death coming from me. In disbelief and in tears, I went to the doctor and that is when I found out the news that the baby had passed. It was probably due to the horse accident and the impact that my body took. My doctor told me he wanted me to pass the fetus on my own.
While descending the hill my shoe string got caught in the front spokes of the bike tire. Immediately I was thrown face first into the pavement. I was knocked unconscious. My friend had a bruise on her hip. I barely remember the short ride to her parents house. I was very disoriented as I hit the road really hard. The impact had damaged the left side of my face significantly and I lost two of my front teeth.
Since I had never gone to the emergency room that day a traumatic brain injury may have been overlooked. My counselor suggested to me that I go to a neurologist to have it checked out. I look back and wonder why they never took me to the emergency room. I guess it does not matter at this point but I think I will definitely look into it now. It would just be crazy if a bicycle accident that happened so long ago could have been affecting me my entire life and I did not connect the dots. I hope a neurologist will have some answers because if there was a traumatic brain injury a lot of things in my life will make more sense. Just another missing puzzle piece of my life that may have been found.~Pamela Renee Schneider
There were beautiful roses on the table just for me,
The day after Valentine's Day is no better than yesterday.
A young mother went missing, not sure of the time or place she just ended up missing. Where is she? Taken by the silent enemies of mental illness. Her own thoughts and emotions captured first by bipolar himself. Leaving her confused, depressed and sad not knowing that she had been taken. Another assailant, known as borderline personality disorder, just as bad maybe worse, now being robbed of her relationships between herself and the ones she longs to love. The third is the evil Post traumatic stress, he is that constant reminder that she has been taken and broken. Not to leave out the one that gives her extreme anxiety and fear of leaving her captures, as if in the most secretive case of Stockholm syndrome where your enemy becomes your friend. She has been forced to live with her captures for years without even knowing.
In October of 2012, I was diagnosed Bi-Polar with Borderline Personality 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own
understanding. In all your ways remember him. Then he will make your
paths smooth and straight. 
For years the devil was imbedded into my soul
leaving me unaware of the Lord. My brother suggested the life support
group at Cedar Creek, I decided to attend. During group discussion some
brutal honesty of my sins made me realize that it was time to forgive,
repent, and follow Gods word. It was an amazing transformation! I’ve
been dead in this world for so long, now because of Gods grace, I have
eternal life.
I haven't been feeling much like being around people.
Some people know my testimony many do not but I feel as though the
people that
have been helping me have stopped being in my life, I don't know why. I feel like my overcoming exploitation has
gone up and went with those people. I don't see how they could help me
stay out of the industry then completely drop from my life. So I haven't
felt much like doing anything with trafficking I guess because I am
losing hope in people. I was with the project for 2 years and she never
let me speak. I felt like I was used to stand there so people could see
what an exploitation victim looked like and that was it. I had and still
have a lot of experience and knowledge that is going to waste and now
my hope is being depleted. I am not sure why I am writing this but I
guess I need to be heard. I
pray that I can get my drive back for trafficking that I once had. I
also struggle financially and with mental illness still, that's why I
don't do a lot of things as well. It seems that through all my past
abuse I have lost my voice. I feel as if I need to learn how to use my
voice since over the years I was not being heard. I need to just clear
my throat and get what I know out. Just wanting to be heard~Renee
