Dear Renee,
As hard as I have tried over the years I just don't seem to be able to reach you, don't understand your needs, don't understand why you have so much problems tolerating your own mother.
I love you Renee, there is no doubt in my heart about this. From the minute I knew you were conceived I loved you. From the minute you were born I was proud to be your mom. I delighted in your achievements, watching you grow gave me one more reason to enjoy life. My goal was to make your life better than mine, your experience better, your love more. Just as I hope you are feeling for your children, I felt for you.
Here's the But! As I reflect back upon this year between you and myself I am very disillusioned and discouraged. When we all found our new understanding with God, I had so much hope for you and I. When you told me (although you did have some church growing up) you had no understanding of Gods love and how life is to be, I felt this must be what made you (made you what, I really don't know).
I have always tried in my feeble way to help you, God knows you don't make it easy. Your heart is hard, Renee. Even though your spiritual gift is not mercy, most people form a little intelligence and life shows most people when it is appropriate to show it. There is a time an place for it.
Perhaps as you remember these three loves with me you can get a better understanding of my anguish this year. When I came back this year, I sincerely thought I had all three with Richard. We planned to be married when I turned 62. I felt all three of these loves for Richard. Once you experience Raya and Ahava in your relationship with a man you'll begin to realize how much emotional pain I was in.
You , myself and many others wonder why I am so anxious to have another man in my life. I realize now, it's because I was the luckiest woman I know, because I felt all three of these loves for everyman I loved. Your dad, Joe, Bud and Richard. The sad thing with three of them is they eventually removed the first two loves and of course the last one went with it. It's because of the first two that I feel so strong about the Dode.
I came home, had my heart broke, my mountains seemed insurmountable. I looked around and yours did too. I felt concern as to what held you together. I have tried to help you in any way I knew how to, I can't help if I don't know the problems.
Then after praying to God that He put a nice christian man in my spiritual gifts class, he did, Don. You said "Don't expect sympathy from me when he dies". Very christian of you. Had you continued to have shown me your love perhaps you could have understood. I felt that there was a reason for putting him and I in that room. We both needed the healing we could give one another. Don showed me that other men would be interested in me and that Dode wasn't always necessary in a male/female relationship. I learned patience. Don needed me to talk to him about death, no one else around him did, to explain what I saw and felt when others around me had died. He needed me to love and help him to survive through his illness. God wanted me to help him find his path to heaven. I had asked Jesus forgiveness and for him to take me with him in heaven. Don often asked me why I was so sure. I knew why I was with Don, I was doing what God sent me to do.
Don and I had both Raya and Ahava for each other. Because of his illness and time left for Don on earth there was no reason to pursue Dode. We knew that with different circumstances our lives together may have gone to love, marriage, no baby carriage. Knowing I had the Raya and Ahava was enough for me. I'm proud that God chose me to be his angel. I wish you could have understood this. Was this easy to let Don go, no, my earthly heart was broken into pieces, but when I held both Don's hands and he looked clearly into my eyes (as his soul danced between heaven and earth) I was able to tell him with all certainty that which he wanted to know from me, in a couple more hours he would be with Jesus in heaven. You need to understand before that point he was not communicating nor could he focus, he stared with glazed eyes straight ahead. I then asked him if he was okay as he still looked into my eyes he clearly said "Yes, I am". Then his focus was gone. I prayed with him. I felt relief that his pain and suffering was over. I did what God asked me to do, now my new pain and suffering began.
As you were told, Don died in February. My jewelry was stolen in January. I didn't cry or agonize over the jewelry as I normally would have, after all I was losing Don. Someone far more precious than any gold or diamonds could ever be. Another lesson from God. Am I angry? Yes! Do I miss it? Yes! Is it important? Yes, but not nearly as important as other things in life. You were stolen from me along with that jewelry. But You had control of that, Renee, I guess I've never really had you.
I had such hope for you when you started going to church, reading the Bible. I have all kinds of mean things I'd like to say to you, what's the point, you've shown me what you feel about me. I'll have to find a way to have you as my neighbor, not a daughter. It's pretty clear to me, you don't want me as a mother. It's really too bad. I love you, Renee, after all, since you were conceived I hoped we'd live our lives together with love. I guess I don't know how to show it to you.
Perhaps you need to study your Bible more, you know that part about honoring your mother. I love you Renee, but it brakes my heart to say this, right now, there is not much I like about you. Love and like are two different things. I figure also, that there's not much you like about me or you certainly would be acting a lot different.
My Love Always,
Mom
This letter was given to me after my mothers jewelry and my purse and it's contents were stolen possibly by my ex-boyfriend. She accused me of being a part in the robbery. He did admit to stealing my purse but never confessed to taking the jewelry. I did all I could to help her recover her missing items. I drove all around Toledo to pawn shops looking for any pieces of the jewelry I could find. I had no luck.
She
then lost her friend Don that was in stage four cancer when they met. I
happened to be out of town visiting a friend that also had cancer and
was dying when Don had his funeral. She is now mad at me for being
unsympathetic for Don's passing (which I am not) and she thinks I stole
her valuables.I shared with her a video called "Flame" that talked about love between a man and a woman. The only man she could have had all three with was my dad because he is the only man she has been married to, the others don't count.
As far as liking my mother the feeling is not mutual. I love my mother. She's my mother. Even though she is my mom I will not be around someone that continues to throw false accusations my way. I had no part in stealing anything. As long as she continues to think I am the type of person that would do that I am going to choose to stay away from toxicity.
Three stages of God centered Love between a man and a woman
*Raya-Friendship
*Ahava- Commitment /Marriage
*Dode-Lust for Love/Sex
http://nooma.com/films/002-flame
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