Our God is a God of order. That is what I am told. I sit here and think about the things he was doing in my life that seemed out of order, were not out of order at all. I went off path and did not even realize. My life had to be the way it has been in order for me to see how the Lord is actually putting everything back in place.
I was subjected to pornography at a young age. Pornographic films, porn magazines and romance novels were grooming tools. Watching, viewing and reading repeatedly made me become hardened. That is how I learned what was expected of me, corrupting the teaching technique of "translating image to action." I learned that those images and ideas were what boys wanted. Being only seven when finding the pornography and learning this behavior I was susceptible to the more deviant boys as I got older. My sustained exposure had long-standing effects and created a skewed sense of what was normal.
In my adolescent years is when the behaviors I had seen and read developed into action. I look back and realize that most of what I called boys were actually men that wanted to "date" me. I put date in quotations because as I reflect they did not want to date me at all they wanted only sex from me. With my disturbed view of what a relationship was they got what they wanted most of the time. While they wanted sex I was wanting the night in shining armor that I read about in the combination of fairytale children's books and adult pornographic romance novels. These "boys" did not want to "date" me, I was their prey.By the time I turned 17 I became pregnant by a man that was 21 whom in which introduced me to marijuana. I had already learned about alcohol by the "boys" I had previously encountered. I married the man who I became pregnant with. I had a beautiful baby girl whom which I instantly fell in love. I cannot say that was the case with her father. I was very unhappy and that marriage ended two years later.
I experienced an attempted rape and in another incident they were successful in which tore my trust in men apart. I had more bad relationships that became physically violent and were extremely unhealthy, that's when I met my second husband. We could not afford our bad habits so I became an exotic dancer and he became my pimp. We had three beautiful children together and after 10 years that mess was over. I have been divorced now for eight years.
I have been diagnosed with mental illness and have chronic neck and back pain due to an injury from a past relationship with an abusive man that was 10 years my senior. Years later I am now getting the help I need from some amazing doctors.
I have been working as a Chaplain with a ministry helping the homeless and am on the Disaster Action Team with the Red Cross helping those in need after a disaster. I just started a house of refuge for small dogs in need of a foster home until their forever homes are found. I now have insurance and am waiting to get some help with a career and my income.
I have a wonderful apartment that is giving me the stability and consistency I so needed. Before I moved here I have moved on average 1.2 times per year. I have come full circle and live only one block away from the home where my parents brought me home from the hospital.
Our God is a God of order. That is what I am told. If I had not gone through everything I had gone through I would not be doing, through Christ, what I am doing today.
I thank the Lord for the bad things because now I have the knowledge, wisdom and insight to heal from my past as well as tell and teach others from my experiences. Praise God for everything.
In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free. Psalm 118:5
Pamela Renee Schneider
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