In Tears

About a month after I was raped over 17 years ago I went horseback riding with my daughter at my Aunt and Uncles house. My daughter and I were riding the horse together. I was in the back and she sat in front of me. We were not experienced riders, so when the horse cut its hoof and started running towards a tree I

Shetara

didn't know what to do. The horse rode us right into a tree, my daughter flew forward and I flew backwards off the horse. In mid-air I grabbed my daughter and she landed on top of me as we hit the ground. My daughter had scratches on her face from flying into the tree limbs. When we hit the ground the wind got knocked right out of me. The horse kept running and eventually she circled around and was headed right for us. My uncle grabbed us both and pulled us out of the path of the rampaging horse. I could not breathe but thankfully my daughter was alright.
My uncle put me in the back of the pick up truck and drove me to the house where he laid me on the couch. He then proceeded to tickle me not believing that I was really that injured. My aunt and uncle decided to take me to the emergency room to make sure everything was alright. The doctors put me under heavy sedation to ease the pain. The impact cracked all my ribs on the right side of my rib cage. I was in great pain. I could hardly inhale each breathe was very painful.
The doctor came in and asked me if there was any chance that I could be pregnant and I told him no. Apparently just to make sure they did a pregnancy test on me anyways. Still very sedated the doctor came back in with the news that I was actually pregnant. It was not only shocking but the only way I could have been pregnant would have been the result of me being raped that previous Labor Day weekend just a month prior.
I was devastated. I could not believe what I was hearing as I was in and out of consciousness from the Demerol. I told the doctor that I was raped the month before and that is the only way I could have been pregnant. How horrifying. I started to cry.
I was released from the hospital with cracked ribs and news that I was pregnant. I did not know what to think or do. How could this be happening? How could this already stressful situation possibly be getting worse? Not only was I raped, thrown from a horse, now I am pregnant. Could it get any worse? Yes.
Approximately a month after finding out I was pregnant I was in my mind debating what I should do. I was in the bathroom one afternoon using the restroom and all of a sudden I thought I smelled what I thought was a dead mouse. I looked everywhere for it but didn't see one anywhere. Then I figured it out. It was not a dead mouse it was a smell of death coming from me. In disbelief and in tears, I went to the doctor and that is when I found out the news that the baby had passed. It was probably due to the horse accident and the impact that my body took. My doctor told me he wanted me to pass the fetus on my own.
About two weeks later I noticed some blood. I immediately went to the hospital knowing what was going on. By the time I got to the hospital my sweat pants were full of blood. I was hemorrhaging. I checked in to the front desk and told them what was happening and they told me to go have a seat. I went into the bathroom and the next thing I know there was a male nurse squeezing I.V. fluid into my arm. I had blacked out in the bathroom and they said they found me laying next to the toilet. They told me that they almost lost me. The emergency personnel were running around like crazy in my room. I was losing a lot of blood. Finally they called in the surgeon to do an emergency DNC on me.
After the surgery everything calmed down. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I believe I was still in shock. I was all alone and had no one there to help me get through it. I was sad that I had lost the baby even though it was a product of rape, it was still part of me. I will never know whether it was a boy or girl but that's ok. The baby is with my Lord and Savior, who at the time I didn't know it, was with me all along.~Renee