Divorce Court Tomorrow

06/04/06
I am laying out, I feel the need to write. Self pity or is it self hate? I honestly can say that I hate myself for all of the things I have done. I want to list them all but I can't in case someone were to find this and read it. So many different things, so many different people that only hurt my self. Some people were and could be hurt by my actions yet some were completely unaffected by my willingness to please, that whittles away at my self respect. Why do I do the things I have done? I know it is wrong as I do it. Why don't I say no? I am weak, a coward, afraid, unknowing, pathetic, hateful ,a slut, a whore, a waste of self, worthless. The truth isn't known by others, I tell them what I want them to know. I manipulate my words to cover up things I have done, alter the truth to keep from hurting. I feel that I have stabbed myself in the heart. The one way to let people down. I'm sorry. No. Unforgivable.

White Egret

The gentle, cool breeze caresses my body, the water breaking along the rivers edge, the various birds songs sounding from every direction, the heat from the sun against my skin soothes me. It's so peaceful. There is nothing more beautiful than the sound of the birds songs. They call one another from different tree tops. The train whistles off in the distance. Alone. Rest my mind, I'm so tired. Everything is green now, a squirrel jumps and climbs, scampers through the leaves on the tree. I wonder what it is doing? Nothing, just like me. I remember when I would climb the trees and just sit in the highest branches I could and just sit, alone, peaceful, for what seemed like hours with the trees swaying back and forth.
A White Egret is walking through the river. It is a very beautiful bird. I really appreciate this view it is absolutely beautiful. People pay high dollar for this. I wonder if the turtles are sun bathing also? When I see them out I know that is is warm enough for me to lay out too.
The sun is slowly starting to move to the other side of the house. The deck is starting to shade. What should I do next? I could put away the laundry, or separate the winter clothes now that it is getting warm. Today was needed to clear my mind, relax my emotions, start to make changes.
My divorce is final tomorrow morning. A lot of the stress has to do with that. I am not strong. I am going to court tomorrow with every feeling I have ever encountered in my mind. I have so many things to say, so many things I can't say. I cry, the confusion. What is wrong with me? Something is wrong and I don't know what it is. I can see and feel myself going crazy.
It is time to wrap things up here on the deck. The sun is gone, the shade is here. Time to clean up.