For The Judges Eyes Only

This letter was written for the judge during my child support increase hearing in 2008. It was never received by the judge. I was called up to the stand and was in tears and unable to speak. All eyes were on me and I broke down in my weakness. When I was told the letter would be admitted as evidence and my ex-husband and his new wife would be able to read it I recalled the letter. At that point in my life I could not let anyone see how vulnerable I really was. I look back and wonder if this letter would have made a difference. I'm stronger now than I was then. I did not want them to read it. It was intended for the judges eyes only...

Dear Judge,
Since the divorce I have been struggling with finances, where to stay, and what to do with my life. I was married for 10 years and was a homemaker, with the exception of a couple of short term, part-time jobs. Afterwards, I was left with no money and no source of income.
I stayed with my mother and then lived in one of her apartments. I then stayed in Florida with my friend and started online college courses. I thought that earning a degree would be the only chance of financial success that I might have.
I came back up north, and stayed with my mother once again with still no place to call home. I was feeling lost and very discouraged. My mom had to eventually move out of her home after the death of her fiancee' which meant I had nowhere to go. I then moved to an apartment in Elmore in which I currently reside. It is close to my children, but more than I can afford. I'm not sure what to do and have little job skills. My kids are not with me which is the only thing I knew how to do, be a stay at home mom.


Now I have an apartment and bills that I can not afford. I feel as if I am being swallowed whole. My nose is barely above water, my arms exhausted from treading. On top of the financial struggle, my back and neck pain is getting even more unbearable. I have filed for disability on the recommendation from the health department. In turn, this would assist in getting medicaid, so I can get my medical problems under control so I can be functional and productive in society.
I am mentally and physically overwhelmed. When I heard of the child support increase I was left with an even greater feeling of hopelessness. I want to be able to provide and care for my children as much as any parent. Already drowning, an increase is likely to pull me totally under.
The past few years have been a whirlwind of emotions, and is making it hard for me to focus. Hopefully someday things will make a turn for the better, and I will be able to take a deep sigh of relief. Until then, I guess all I can do is hope for the best.

In all sincerity,
Pamela Renee Schneider