Drowning, Broke, Pain, Guilt

08/21/06
Drowning
Self assessment. For someone with such a bad attitude is a self assessment worksheet such a good idea? Wonderful idea for employers, they really get to know how someone is. How many more crappy jobs can I fake my way through. If I can't handle the lower end jobs, how in the heck can I handle college and a high paying job? My attitude really sucks. What do I do to change it?
My life seems to be in a constant state of indecision. Is that the correct word? My plans seem to change out of control from day to day. How does one prepare for the future when it's constantly changing? Maybe my attitude will be better tomorrow. I have to go to work. My God, could I find something in life that I will enjoy? Just think that this was a good mental day. I really don't want to get in a low day again. I can't stand being this way. My own terrible thoughts are killing me, drowning me. I feel as if I am barely above water, treading.
How did I get this way? Am I finally trying to face my own thoughts now that I am not hiding behind marijuana and alcohol? Or is it just an insane idea? I need a positive attitude. How do I get one?

09/27/06
Broke

Here I sit, it's a beautiful day outside and I'm not sure what to do. I need to get outside for some exercise. My hours have been cut back to Thursdays and Fridays. I should go in for a night shift but I just can't bring myself to do it, yet I need the money. I'm waiting to hear about my math class and hear from my counselor, maybe that will help me. I have to cut my minutes back on my phone because I can't afford the normal package. I peeled my fake nails off because I can't afford those either. I'm just a broke stripper. I need to just go to work at night. Ugh!!!  If I go into work I have to leave at 4:30 p.m. I hate dancing at night.

09/28/06
Pain
I'm sitting here, wanting to go running but my feet hurt really bad from work last night. This sucks. It hurts to walk, I should be soaking them. Joshua's field trip to the apple orchard is today at 1:00 p.m. I hope he will be excited to see me. I think I will buy some apples for this weekend with them. I miss them. I'm still depressed, waiting to hear from the counselor. Maybe that will help me.

10/09/06
Guilt
I couldn't be a worse mother. I  hate myself for what I let happen. I have got to get my shit together! My God! Focus! Deep breaths! What the heck is wrong with you. Today was a very important day for Jacob and I mess it up. What a setback. All I can do is feel guilty. I should feel like shit, I deserve nothing more than shit, nothing more.