The Message

This journal entry was written after the kids left for only a few hours of visitation. To some it may seem like a suicide note yet that is not why it was written. I wrote it with the intentions of letting my kids know how I felt if something were to happen to me. We are only here for a short time and I wanted to make sure that if and when the inevitable happens they new that I loved them. This is not a suicide note.

12/25/07
It's Christmas. Another day I sit here by myself. The apartment is tore apart by the children, gifts are everywhere. I'm thankful once again for the Angel Tree Network for providing the gifts they received. I sit here and wonder what Christmas is anyway. The kids get to spend just a few hours with me. It's chaotic and fighting, hugs, kisses, saying I love you, and then they are gone. I guess they went to a Christmas party with their dad to which I could not provide. They don't seem to have fun with me. They had fun on Sydney's birthday weekend but not today. I'm so sad and I can't seem to snap out of it. I've been like this for a while now. I'm driving myself crazy. I don't feel like doing anything. No kids, no income, bad back, no job, no boyfriend. What is my purpose? No purpose. What is so merry about Christmas? I just don't get it. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been treading this same water for years. I'm getting tired, very tired. So how do I make this feeling go away? I'm not on this earth long, no one is, how do I make this time good? I am sick of everything going wrong. I'm tired of being broke, in pain and missing my kids. I want to be happy. I feel as if I have lost everything. Is this the deal I have been dealt? What if I die tomorrow, is this it? I'm sick of being sad, worrying, fighting over visits with the kids. Being alone sucks. Jesus and the missing years is on television and my company is a bottle of wine. Are these my missing years? No one would miss me. I feel as though I am missing these years. I love you my babies. Merry Christmas. Life is fragile, we must live everyday as it is our last. I need to learn how to do that.

                Sydney, Ashley, Jacob

Jacob, my little bear. I'm sorry if you feel that I am hard on you, I just need you to understand that I love you. I need you to be strong. I know that your only 11, but I am not strong and I can't handle the arguing. I'm already going crazy. I guess I need you. Please try to understand me. I'm trying so hard to be a good mom, I'm just not so good at it, I'm sorry. You are going to be such a charming, intelligent, wonderful man. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. Someday when you have your own babies you'll understand and know how much I really love you. You are my life. I would give my life for you. Be strong. You will be happy.
Sydney, my angel baby, I'm sorry I was so short with you. Only after you left today did I sit and realize that you were upset only because you didn't want to leave. My heart breaks every time you go. I also apologize to you for not being the loving mother that you deserve. You are the most adorable little girl. Life is not going as I thought but I know you will grow up to be an independent, loyal, beautiful woman. You make me so proud. I remember the sparkle in your eyes from the reflection of the Christmas tree lights. We would sit in the chair, you in my arms, we would just look into each others eyes. You were so tiny. Your hand was so small it would barley wrap around my index finger. You are the sparkle in my life. I love you with every breathe I take.

Sydney, Joshua, Mommy, Jacob

Joshua, my prince charming. My dashing young man. So many good things are coming your way. So many things I have done that make me a bad mommy and I am so sorry. No matter what, I want you to know how much I love you. When I found out that you were going to be in my life I was so excited. I couldn't believe it. You are the one that completed our family. My baby, my little gentleman. No matter what happens I know you will love me unconditionally. You have such a good life ahead of you. I want you to be strong no matter what. You can do anything. I know I don't show it enough or well, but I love you with all I have. You are my prince charming and I love you for that.

Mommy, Ashley, Jacob, Joshua, Sydney

Ashley, my googie baby. I had no idea how much of an impact you have had on my life until now. I know it's been rough and I really did not know what to do when you were born. I had no idea how to take care of a baby, a toddler, a preschooler, a pre-teen, or a young adult. I am sorry if life and your memories of you and I were not as happy as they should have been. I tried to do my best, but what I realize is that I was not the one raising you. If this makes any sense, I look back and think that maybe in a way you were the one raising me. You have turned (bloomed) into the most perfect young woman that I have ever known. You make me laugh, get emotional : ) and make me realize the importance of a mothers love. I have made many mistakes over the years and I hope you can forgive me. I was not listening to you, I am so sorry. You were right when you said you raised yourself. You also raised me. I was just a kid when I had you and I did the best I knew how, which was not very much. With your independence and drive to become a good person you became a wonderful young woman. I am sorry if I failed you. You will succeed. Ashley, you are the star that guides me, I love you, you are my sunshine.

If anything happens to me and you find this letter, just know that  I love all of you, my babies, each of you for your own differences. The joy you bring me I may not be able to show but it is there. May you all live your lives to the best of your own abilities. Don't ever get angry at each other for any reason, if you do reconcile. If you fail in something just remember it's only a bump in the road. Try not to dwell on anything in your past that would affect your success in your future. I think that is a problem that I had. Be safe and remember my love. I am in the breeze that blows through your hair, the tide that comes in on your toes, the bird that glides freely in the sky.
Everything I am,
Mommy