01/23/06 Broken Trust

01/23/06
Broken Trust
I sit here thinking, what am I thinking? The confusion overwhelms me to the point of numbness. The feelings of sadness, happiness, anger, contentment all at once consume me, ant the same time confuse me. What I want I can not have in my life. Sadness, I feel that everything that I once had and love are gone out of control. I do not know how to gather myself. I want to cry.
I need to get my thoughts together, be a better person. I still want to cry. Is this all normal? Somewhere I have lost myself, is it selfish to want happiness? How do I do that and not hurt my babies? I love them more than I could ever imagine.
I am so angry. The whole idea of losing my life is so upsetting. Is this my fault, I blame myself. Bad choices have brought me to where I am. Can I blame Ken? Yes, he absolutely had a big part in this. I chose to try to work it through a bad situation, was that the wrong decision? Was I wrong for trying for 10 years? Did I know he didn't love me and choose to ignore? He said he loved me yet his actions never backed up his words.
Is it wrong to want to be treated better, to sacrifice the family? Is this better for the kids or is this a bad choice? Confusion and sadness overwhelms me. Now I'm starting to cry.
Is peace in my life to much to ask for? Will that ever be something that I can achieve? Will I ever be able to achieve anything?
I gave birth to four of the most beautiful babies that one could ever hope for. Am I a strong enough person to be able to be there for them? I don't want them to know how weak I really am. Is it normal to feel this way? Do I feel this way because of all the wrong choices I have made throughout my life?
What do I do to fix this, can I fix this by myself? Is this all unrepairable damage? Have I ruined my kids lives? All these questions that I don't know the answers to. Too many unanswered questions, leads back to my confusion. So many insecurities, did I totally mess up? Am I wallowing in self pity or is this justified by all the things that have happened in my life?
I sit here and question my entire being. Is this how I was meant to be? Lost, confused, out of control? I want to be happy, my children make me happy.
Trust, how does one love again when that trust has been broken? Broken trust is that which has lead me to where I am. Was I ever loved or was it all just a lie? There were so many years of lies, all lies. Deception, heartache, uncertainty, doubt, does your heart repair itself to allow one to love again?
I have to make some major changes. I have to be strong. I have to make a difference in my own life.