Divorced, Failure, Unloved

06/05/06
Divorced
Court did not go well. The Ativan has more than kicked in. I am five hours into the dose. I took one after the hearing because of the shortness of breath, holding back the tears. Am I okay? No.

06/11/06
Failure

I just dropped off the kids, my nerves are shot. The whole weekend I was such a bitch. I do not deserve the kids, I don't deserve anything. I feel like such a bad person, a bad mother. How much longer can I lie to everyone, or does everyone in my life know what a terrible mother I am? I know in my heart that's why Ken has them. I am a failure of a mother, a wife, sister, daughter and friend. I can't get rid of this very deep feeling of disappointment. I have failed in every part of my life. I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't get a good job, I've had as many low wage jobs as I have had sexual partners. I can't keep a husband, I have failed my kids. I feel as if I just go away then no one has to deal with me. Just run away, nowhere to run, no money to run. I should be enjoying life, I don't deserve to enjoy my life. With my past track record who would want to enjoy life with me? My whole life is just one big lie. If anyone were to see the list of men I was with why would anyone want anything to do with me. If I tell the truth they won't stay, if I lie they won't want me, I don't want me. Best to be honest. I cry a lot, I can't seem to stop. Writing in this journal does not seem to be helping. Tears just keep falling, what is wrong with me? I need help but I am afraid to ask, I do not know who to ask, who would be willing to help me? I do not want my families help for some reason, too proud, nothing to be proud of. I have a deep empty feeling, I cry a lot. I'm not feeling so strong, I'm feeling quite weak, helpless, very helpless. I have no motivation, nothing interests me. What do I do, how do I get myself through this? I somehow need to pick myself up, it never seems to get any easier. I suppose my life wasn't supposed to be easy or it would have been by now. I'm lost, don't know what to do next. How did I mess up so bad? Where did it all go wrong? What happened? How do I fix it, or can I?

06/14/06
Unloved
I couldn't imagine why or how anyone could ever really love me. I am not honest about my past. This is haunting me really bad.