Loneliness

12/03/05
So much has happened, so much has changed, so many  different emotions going on in my head. I'm not sure how to handle them all. Confusion. Aching, sad, angry, guilty, worried. Don't dwell on the past. Very hard not to do, when cheating and abuse is part of the past. Move on somehow. Visit kids as much as you can. The past is the past, kids are the future. My thoughts are always jumping around, can't focus on one. Want to just relax, not have to worry. Am I crazy for wanting to move, I want to try it. My family thinks I'm crazy. Divorce is not final, lack of money, kids. Just sitting here thinking what do I do? Only me to make the decision. No one to blame for my mistakes. Do things that you want. Grow. What is it that I really want? Independence, comfort, happiness, quiet. Done having kids, start new, learn from the past, not dwell.

12/04/05
Feeling better today for some reason, more energy. Had time to relax. Bubble bath. A lot of quiet time. I most enjoy the peace of the quiet.

12/05/05
Sitting here again. Have to work soon. Cold outside. Cozy warm in my chair with my blanket. Sad, yet relaxed. Wanting to be down south, what do I do? Do I go? Would I be happy? Yes. Freedom, peacefulness, get my life together. Kids are here, can I visit as much as I would hope? Will I have the money? Can I leave? This makes me look like a bad mom to others. I want to be happy, I want the kids to be happy. This is a lot of change for everyone in such a short amount of time. Not sure of what to do next.

2/18/06
Couple different journals going on at once. In the mood to write. Kids are in bed sleeping, it's quiet now. Not used to having them here. Takes just a few hours for us all to adjust. Jacob enjoys visiting mommy. He likes it. Before he said he wanted to blow me up. Has this day helped us? Is this a step forward, or is this just for now? Things could change. Things will change. But what will those changes be? We will just have to see.

02/21/06
Morning. Just sitting around watching television. Relaxing. Have to leave for work by 11:00 a.m. Wondering how my work day will go. I don't feel like getting ready. That's why I'm always late, working on that though.

05/09/06
Sitting around doing nothing, going to start cleaning then get ready for work. Have been getting to work on time. Trying so hard to save money. I want to move before the next heating season starts I really can't afford it here. I really want to be happy. I don't know for sure what that is exactly or how to achieve it, one day at a time. Wanting both worlds, how do I get that? Winter in Florida, summer with the kids? Am I crazy? Probably. But why not try it.

05/23/06
Jacob's birthday tomorrow! Ten years old! Focus on today, don't let the past or the future make you miss what is happening in the present. Tomorrow is just your future yesterday. Jacob and I are getting along better. Less fighting. Is this because we are not together as much? Is it because he is at an age where he can understand what is going on? I love you Jacob! You have grown so fast. I need to slow down and really see what a wonderful young man your becoming. Your doing very well. Your strong. Be strong.