Sad, Empty, Deceived

08/10/06
Sad
I have just a few minutes so I thought I  would write. I have this overwhelming sadness that doesn't ever seem like it is going to subside. Will I ever feel happy again? Can I remember what fun is? I know things change, everyday seems to bring in something new. Why can't I get over the fact that my life is completely different? I need to deal with it. I can't change the past and I can't predict the future. I just need general direction. I feel as if I am standing still and my world is spiraling out of control around me. I feel as if I thrust my arms out through the chaos I could grab a problem and maybe try to solve it. Is this normal or am I crazy? My mind needs to slow down, it's like a tornado. Focus, it can only get better. It has too.

08/11/06
Empty

Another day. I went out to the bar to get some 10 cent chicken wings for dinner and a couple of beers. Something to do. I'm by myself a lot. I need to do something, I like to go out. Empty. Is that the word I was looking for last night when I was trying to describe how I felt? What do I do? I have been thinking about my past. I never had to confront my past before because Ken has been with a lot of women which made me look like a saint. I was young, was it a stage I was in? I'm older now. I quite smoking cigarettes, cigars and now marijuana. I'm trying to clear my mind, trying to better myself. I want to be a better person, be happy, but I can't be perfect. I am a wild spirit, I like to have fun and be crazy. I want to be important. I want to be loved. I don't want to be worried about being judged. I am who I am, if people don't like the things that I do, why do I care?

08/13/06
Deceived

My mood is better today, thank goodness. Some days I just get so bad. I suppose that is normal. I'm striving to be a better person. Today has just been a good day. For me that is few and far between. Surprising for how frustrated I was last night. Trinity just blew me off. That's too bad. She was my sister and friend. I've lost yet another person that was important to me in my life. Strange how these people seem totally unaffected. Ken, Trinity, Laura, Steph, Shari and Tonya, I feel so deceived. Why Trinity? Why did you not acknowledge me? I have done nothing to you to deserve the pain that you just caused me. Unnecessary. I have always been there for you. I tried to help you when you were having problems with Munir. I offered to take your kids so you wouldn't lose them to him. I would have done anything. Why? That really hurt. Stabbed in the heart, ripped out. I should be numb. No more friends for me. I do not want to get hurt again. I have lost so much with this divorce. I don't think I have anything else to lose. I need to just get myself together, move on and do the best I can for myself. If I don't I will never be a better person for my kids. Someday-