Alone

08/17/06
Alone
If I blew my head off what would that solve? Someone would find me, blood everywhere. Oh well, maybe I am a quitter. I'm weak and pathetic. I can't handle my own family. My babies, I have failed them. Every aspect of my life I have failed. I failed myself. No more excuses. No more blaming others. Ive failed myself. I'm a quitter. I didn't lose my family, I left. I have been lying to myself. Others see what I do not. I quit. I don't even have the will to get it back. What is wrong with me? How can a mother do that to her own babies? Why didn't I fight for them? Why don't I feel like a mother should? What is wrong with me! Who am I kidding? Myself. I guess I can't handle kids.
Going back to school is a joke. I'd rather be a bum out on the streets, wander around, no one knows me, no one cares, no one gets hurt. I guess I did quit. That explains the anxiousness, depression, disappointment, exhaustion, frustration and humiliation. I couldn't handle the pressure. I snapped, I'm crazy. I am messed up in the head. No one has any idea how crazy I am in my head.
I'm a terrible mother, I left my babies. How could I have turned into such a terrible, unworthy disappointment? Have I always been such a mess? No wonder I don't have any friends. Nobody knows how mental I really am. I guess only I know. I know deep in my mind, in my thoughts how confused and messed up I am. Gun to my head. Now I sound like my mom. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. I quit. I left my kids. I quit. My family should be ashamed. I should not even have my kids.That's why they expect me to mess things up-because that's exactly what I do. Why would they think any different? I am messed up. I can't even stand myself. What am I going to do? I need some kind of help.Oh my God!!!
I don't know where to go, where should I be? I want to be alone, I should want to be with my kids. All I want right now is to be alone, away from everybody, where no one knows me, where no one cares, where no one knows me.
I'm sober, no drugs, no alcohol and I still feel this way. Empty, very empty. I want to be alone, physically and mentally alone. Alone where I can hurt no one, no one can hurt me but that is not possible. I want my mind to go to sleep while I am awake, just to rest all my terrible thoughts. Is that why I drank and smoked marijuana to try to make these terrible thoughts go away? I am completely sober and here they are.
I need to confront every wrong I have ever done. My kids should resent me for being such a terrible mom. They will be telling their spouses and psychiatrists someday that their mom wasn't there for them. They won't be lying. I have failed them.

Someday I hope you will be able to forgive me. I am so sorry.
I love you,
Mommy