Homeless, Mom

05/14/07
Homeless
I've been in Florida since November. It's almost time for me to leave. I am so sad. About to cry again. I really miss my kids. My life is so screwed up. Someday it will be normal even though I don't know what normal is.
I'm scared, lost, completely on my own. I feel sick, like I could throw up. The tears just will not stop. I hate when this happens. I don't want to leave Florida. It's so calm here. I'm a mess. I can't believe I have to go back to Ohio. If I could just get my kids down here with me.
It wasn't long enough. I want to stay here forever and can't have it. I love Florida, it is my home and now I have to leave. I don't want to go. Even though I'm 35 I feel like a young person in Florida. Refreshed. I'm being taken away, ripped from my heart. How can I possibly not lose myself. I feel weak, as if I died. Right now it would be no different than life.

06/03/07
Mom

My how things change so quickly. I am at moms up stairs in the spare bedroom. The temperature is cool with a breeze that is quite comforting to me in the confusion that is my life. The birds have not stopped chirping all afternoon.
For some reason I feel comfortable here. Safe. I've looked all over for apartments but keep returning here. I get both the privacy I need and the much needed time I should spend with my mom.
I feel like a kid again in this room. It reminds me of before I had to prematurely become an adult. The time that I missed. Maybe there is salvation with me staying here. With all the inconsistencies in my life, it feels weird to admit that I think I need my mom.
I need to stop being so stubborn and try to be more open with her about my feelings. Try to have a positive source in my life. Divorce, kids, college all require a clear mind. Maybe talking to mom will help.
I am starting back to work tomorrow at Diamonds and also am starting my second semester in college. I wish I was still in Florida but maybe I will return someday.