Paradigms

"There are six paradigms of human interaction: Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, and Win/Win or No Deal. In a Win/Win solution everyone feels happy with a decision and feels committed to the plan of action. With a Win/Lose paradigm people have the "If I win you lose" attitude. When one child is compared to another-when patience, understanding, or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons-people are into Win/Lose thinking."-Covey

I think this may be something that has been deeply scripted into me.
My younger sister and I were compared quite frequently. She was always the favorite daughter. Most of my family members would agree. All but my mom and dad. It was always Nikki this and Nikki that. Mom would always ask me why we don't sit and talk like her and Nikki does. Why aren't we close like Nikki and I are. As time went on, the more we were compared the further away I withdrew. It still continues til this day. I am 37 years old. It's time for me to focus on my circle of influence, become proactive and turn this unproductive win/lose situation to a Win/Win.

A person that is Lose/Win to me seems to be weak. They are quick to please or appease, as if they have no backbone. "Lose/Lose is the philosophy of war, everybody loses.
Some people think Win is the best option. The only thing that matters with a Win attitude is that they only think about themselves. Win/Win or no deal is basically saying that if you cant find a solution that will be positive for everyone-no deal.

"Relationships-an emotional bank account is a good way to look at a relationship. Trust is the foundation in a relationship. If you trust someone, your emotional bank account is full."-Covey

I have been reviewing my close relationships. My 12 year old son and I have been "locking horns" ever since his father and I got a divorce. He does not know about the emotional bank account. Getting a divorce in his eyes was probably a big withdrawal from the account. I will explain to him how if we trust each other enough deposits will be made to gain credibility and respect towards each other. Since he does not know about the Win/Win philosophy I will focus on my circle of influence, make deposits that are genuinely courteous, out of respect, and in appreciation. I will listen to him more and in greater depth. I will put my genuine efforts into becoming a transformational leader.

"Reading, writing, speaking, and listening are the four basic types of communication. The most important type of communication that people focus on the least is listening. In order to understand someone you must attentively and sincerely listen to them. Once that person feels comfortable with you and feels that you genuinely care about that person they will open up to you with trust. Seeking first to understand is the basis for empathetic listening. Empathetic listening is to walk in someones shoes, understand where they are coming from, and don't reply with your own autobiography. Such as "I know exactly how you feel"."-Covey

I have been on both sides of this proverbial fence. I try to understand how a person is feeling by listening to them and understanding how they feel. I have tried to help others understand how I feel in situations but they come back with the "I've been through that, let me tell you my story" then the focus switches back to their story and the problem and how I feel is forgotten.
The miscommunication goes back and forth eventually taking withdrawals out of the emotional bank account. I am very guilty of being all but an empathetic listener. As I think back to conversations I have had with a girlfriend of mine. She calls me to tell me the problems she had or is having with her husband. My replies are "It sounds like how my marriage was, yes my ex used to do the same thing." Now that I realize that I am not being an empathetic listener and probably making her situation more stressful, I will be more aware of my listening skills. I will give the people in my life psychological air so I can focus on influencing or problem solving. I will diagnose before I prescribe.

I will spend one on one time with my children, and listen and understand them. I will look at the challenges they are facing through their eyes. I will seek first to understand. The results will be deep understanding of each other. "Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress. Instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy. Emotional air. No more suffocating." Covey.
Synergy-the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.
To leave my comfort zone may be difficult but the results will be worth it. The hard part for me will be to put into practice all that is required of me. When I build up the relationships in my life, life will be more fulfilling for each person. I am looking forward to the relationships with my children to be more trusting, more caring, and less possessive and judgmental.
So much potential is in our future. I believe we will gain more insight, in this excitement my children will feed off of this energy and will lead us into synergy. The children and I are the sum of the whole (my family). That "sum" is what makes the "whole" so great.

2009-Excerpts from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"-Stephen R. Covey