Promiscuity or Naiveness?
Why did I let that guy touch me? It was wrong, and bad. Why am I just now thinking abut this years later? Did I think it was cool? What was wrong with me. Did I not know any better? Was my age a factor or is that just an excuse. Is this the root of my sexual self? What is wrong with me? Why can't I pinpoint exactly what it is? Could that be what it was and I put it out of my mind on purpose? He was 26 and I was only 16. I remember the pain. Who was he and why was I even with him, why was he with me? He should have known better. He got what he wanted, sick bastard. Why was he with me, it hurt, I didn't want to be there. But I was and I didn't say no. I don't recall saying anything. I never told anyone. It seemed to be a bad dream, a fog. Did he get what he wanted, yes. I was in disbelief. Did that happen? I remember it.While he was doing it I thought to myself why am I letting this happen? Was I letting it happen or was he making it happen? Was I not strong enough to say no? How did I even end up with this guy. My friends new who he was, that he was there, why didn't they say something. Why did I let him. Why did I let all of these guys do that to me. I feel so used and terrible about myself, is that why it happens? Now I have this horrible list that haunts me. I want to be a better person but this list is destroying me, yet I'm the one that made the list, or did I? Why, what happened, where did I go wrong? Is there anything I can do to change it? I can't change the past, and what those boys and man did, but there has to be a reason why I have done the things I've done. Was I seeking approval of men? Do I just like sex that much, no.Was I being used, yes. So why do I let them, what is the reason? What is wrong with me? I want to get past this list and be a better person.
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